Antique Victorian ring for sale; disgruntled Victorian ghost comes gratis

Antique Victorian ring, found in the attic. Sterling silver with an amethyst setting. Ideal for anyone who won’t mind occasionally hearing a mysterious voice from the beyond asking how you got the ring Emily bestowed upon him, him you understand, as a token of her deepest affections. Also perfect for those not bothered by a 3am apparition in a top hat and coat demanding a duel at sunrise to settle this question of dear Emily’s favors.

Buyer should not mind intermittent reminders that the disembodied and his beloved were willing to live independently, poor but happy on a mere £150 a year, but surely it’s fine that you still use your parents’ Netflix account. Ring would also make an ideal engagement ring for a fiancée who won’t mind constantly hearing that she’s a lovely girl, to be sure, but she’s no Emily, and certainly not when she wears her hair like that. Also makes a charming accessory for any romantic dinner where you and said fiancée will receive endless commentary on whether this place actually expects you to use the same type of fork for both the salad and the fish, and what a nice little establishment it is that you’ve picked here, by the way. Really.

Ring is a classic work, solidly made and fairly indestructible, even when hurled at high velocity by a (former) fiancée on her way out of the restaurant.

Asking $50 OBO trades accepted if someone would just come take it I’d be so grateful.

Image Source / CC0 Nana Louise Nielsen

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Join our gothic convent today!

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Are you looking for a lifelong profession of holy contemplation and unholy terrors? Then come join our gothic convent! Whether you’re looking for a total career change, wanting to get a leg up  with one of our “Evil Abbess-In-Training” management seminars, or just trying to flee an undesirable marriage, this could be the perfect choice for you!

Our comprehensive program includes hands-on coursework in high-demand fields like gardening and toxicology. Got a bit of a green thumb? Want to secretly grow your own wolfsbane or learn how to eliminate a rival undetected? Let us help you turn that passion into a profession!

Our well-rounded curriculum also includes plenty of physical exercise, the foundation for a healthy religious life. Enjoy the heart-pounding thrill of running blindly through our dark, rat-infested subterranean passageways, and the invigorating rush of searching desperately for a way back to the entrance in the crypt. Or savor the quiet, meditative struggle of trying to dig yourself out after being walled up alive. The opportunities are endless!

We also offer hands-on experience in midwifery and obstetrics, as you attend to the secret pregnancies of your vow-breaking fellow novitiates. Always wanted to hustle a crying newborn out of a cell so it can grow up elsewhere constantly wondering about its mysterious parentage? Well, look no further! Don’t miss your chance!

Now enrolling novitiates for the next term. Call us today!

Image Source / CC0 Public Domain

Airbnb Listing for Wuthering Heights

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We have one room available for rent in our 300-year-old country house in Yorkshire, ideal for either a quick weekend getaway or a love-starved eternity of misery and regret. Room comes with a bed completely surrounded by oak panels, which also enclose a bay window with a stunning view of the surrounding moors and any unquiet spirits that walk thereon. There’s a bookshelf with a full library of children’s books, guaranteed to ensure a deep and restful slumber only slightly plagued with nightmares. And just outside, there’s a lovely fir branch within easy reach of the window should you find anything needs to get out (or in).

The house also includes a handful of staff members ready to assist you with whatever you need. You’ll find Nelly and Zillah in the kitchen, willing to cook up whatever you request into something almost edible. For any outdoor work, there’s Joseph (at least we think that’s what he said his name was), who can help you with the carriage, the horses and anything else not requiring intelligible commentary. Your charming hostess, Cathy, you’ll find sulking in a corner whenever she’s not ignoring you completely. And on rare occasions you may even encounter your host, Hareton; he still communicates solely in grunts but at this point has almost entirely stopped gnawing on the table.

The house is solidly constructed, so heavy snows or stormy weather should not be any cause for concern during your stay.  Rest assured, this quiet country retreat’s sturdy beams have been proven to withstand high winds, heavy blizzards, high-pitched screaming, hurled objects, fistfights, random gunshots…uuuuhhh, wait, what were we saying again?

Once outside, you can enjoy a long walk through our scenic moorland, which is perfect for riding, sightseeing or fomenting elaborate plots of disinheritance and revenge. Just as you please!

And if you’re interested in the surrounding area, it’s just a short stroll over to Gimmerton Kirk, a quaint country church offering a sterling example of rustic English architecture. Also a convenient resting place for your weary feet, and for any love-tormented apparitions in the vicinity.

Call for reservations.

Image Source / David M. Jones, CC

Estate Sale for a Haunted House

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Join us this Friday and Saturday, 10am-5pm, for a magnificent sale of fine-quality, gently-haunted furnishings. All pieces original to the home. Contents available for purchase include:

  • Banded mahogany dining table with 8 chairs, fully levitating
  • Elegant curio cabinet with spring-loaded glass doors for easy release of possessed artifacts (also included)
  • Carved oak armoire newly refurbished with a one-way portal to the demon realm
  • Pair of gold frame mirrors, easy to clean with Windex and a little burnt sage
  • Cast-iron queen bed, in good condition and currently haunted by fewer than five murdered brides
  • Drop-leaf wooden center table with claw feet that will need only bimonthly trimming
  • Kingston piano (by The Rudolph Wurlitzer Company) with no need for tuning; plays only one song, whether or not anyone is present.

Sale ends promptly at sunset! Please be prepared to remove all your items before dark.

Image Source / CC0

Peer Review Comments on the Experiment of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

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Reviewer 1: “I would like to address the study’s complete absence of a control group, for starters, but the study design isn’t the only thing here that’s out of control. The clinical applications for this type of, uh, ‘research’ are frankly rather limited, and the study’s contributions to science are quite small given the countless existing, documented cases of personality disorder (though, admittedly, most of those involve opiate- or ethanol-based agents). A quick scroll through the local arrest records existing literature on the subject should provide a sufficient overview.

Regarding the activating agent here, described as a ‘chemical salt’, it appears from the PI’s notes that the integrity of the solvent (and definitely that of the experimenter) may have been compromised. Might be something to look into.

Finally, though it seems the intent was a generous gesture, giving the experimental subject access to his own private residence, domestic staff and personal bank account appears to grossly exceed the definition of a “study incentive”. The IRS has been duly informed.”

Reviewer 2: “There appears to be no provision for reporting adverse effects, and no plans to stop the experiment as required in such cases — it’s almost as if the researchers thought the FDA’s entire regulatory protocol was ‘What the hell, let’s just see where this goes’. For some of the events recounted here in this little one-man Stanford Prison Experiment, I would like to speak to the IRB and the FDA and probably also the FBl.”

Reviewer 3: “Setting aside the question of the study’s contributions, it appears that the manuscript itself was a source of some tension. It seems from the numerous pen marks and annotations that the PI and the experimental subject had some lingering, rancorous disagreement over who, exactly, was to be first author.”

Image Source / CC-BY-SA-3.0

Airbnb Listing for the Pit and the Pendulum

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We have a spacious one-room apartment available; it comes with a single bed and is located in a historic building shared with a quaint little monastic organization. This room is a basement room with an open floor plan, making it fully adaptable to your needs, and it’s also completely soundproof — while you’re here, go ahead and make some noise. In fact, scream all you want! No one will hear you. 🙂

This room is naturally cool in summer and comes tastefully accented with granite floors, granite walls and a granite ceiling. Even the doors would be granite, if there were any. If it’s cold outside, you’ll find the floors, walls and ceiling can all be heated, so you’re entirely surrounded with a toasty warmth you just can’t escape. Moreover, the living space is fully adjustable: walls can be moved as needed. We’d be more than happy to demonstrate this for you if you like.

The room also features a cavernous lower-level space, where you can stash your luggage during your stay. Feel free to explore this space as much as you want! This deep, perpendicular, hole-shaped storage area is fully accessible from anywhere in the room — just walk (very carefully) right across the floor.

Finally, the room also features a vaulted ceiling and one rather distinctive architectural centerpiece. It’s kind of like a huge chandelier or a mobile, but better. You’ll just have to see it.

Whether you’re planning on a week-long vacation or an overnight stay, we’d sure love to have you! Please be our guest for as long as you can.

If interested, call and ask for Torquemada.

**Room may have a small rodent problem. Ask for details.

Image Source / Public Domain

Is There A Poltergeist In My House Or Do I Just Have A Cat?

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It’s 3AM. I wake in the darkness. All the cabinet doors are open.

***

Halfway through “Dateline”, a ceramic shepherdess in a pink flowered bonnet flies off the mantle.

***

From the darkest corner of the closet, a purgatory for old purses and the remnants of last year’s casualwear, a nauseating smell suddenly emanates.

***

The car keys are placed on the side table. Then gone. Hours later, they are found underneath the couch.

***

I am walking down a dark hallway. An unseen object barrels against my shins. I experience a brief moment of levitation.

***

While dining on homemade tuna casserole, I pause at a faint sound of wailing. There is a sensation of tiny needles pricking my thigh.

***

I wake at night to the rasp of a wordless incantation, a hacking staccato, the dreaded sound of something being called up from the depths to burst into our mortal realm. I shudder at the realization I must clean it up tomorrow.

Image Source / CC

Soak Your Cares Away at the Werewolf Spa!

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Open until sunrise! Book early for holidays and full moons.

Changing rooms available (both sartorial and corporeal).

Enjoy our new soundproof sauna, complete with soothing interior waterfall and patented artificial moonlight. Our steam room will make you howl with pleasure!

Complimentary organic green tea and raw beef strips (free range) included with all services.

All our spa treatments include a full-body scrub and deep-cleaning shampoo and conditioner treatment, followed by a goat’s milk body wrap to hydrate the skin and coat and restore shine.

Restorative mud bath also available to nourish the skin and replenish elasticity.

Treat yourself to one of our deep-tissue massages, followed by complimentary belly rubs and ear scritches.

Teeth cleaning and whitening — guaranteed to remove every trace of whomever you ate!

Claw filing and trimming available, with optional nail strengthener and cuticle treatment. French tips extra.

We also offer pedicures (two feet or four) — our all-natural scrub and essential oils will rejuvenate your feet after one of those all-night runs with the pack!

Finish with a trim and our exclusive Full Moon Blowout — reduces coat frizz and maintains natural volume and bounce. Optional coloring added to hide those unsightly grays!

Call for appointments.

Image Source / Public Domain

Peer Review Comments on Frankenstein’s Monster

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Reviewer 1: “Are the neck bolts strictly necessary? It seems that the study’s author could have substituted a lithium ion battery, or a solar panel, or perhaps a wall plug and an extension cable. Maybe even a rotation-powered generator with a large wheel and a particularly enthusiastic hamster would work. It’s a thought.

I’m also confused about the numerous scars and the decision to use visible stitching — it appears there was no plastic surgeon available to consult during assembly. Or perhaps the local drugstore was just out of gas-tank-sized jars of cocoa butter?

Furthermore, I’m not quite sure if the sample really needed to be gigantic to ensure proper construction. The author may want to review some of the recent advances in laparoscopic surgery.”

Reviewer 2: “This study is not innovative; it is a slight modification of an existing method. A pilot study for animation from dead matter has been detailed in the earlier publication ‘Genesis’ (see God, et. al.). The author touches on this work but is rather vague about citing it, though the theoretical parallels are striking.

Additionally, the author’s decision to withhold key elements of his methodology is, quite frankly, questionable. This makes reproducibility impossible and impugns the veracity and reliability of his results. It’s almost as if he didn’t want the study replicated.”

Reviewer 3: “Entirely unimpressive. This is not the monster I would have created.”

Image Source / Public Domain

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Hound of the Baskervilles

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This bloodhound/mastiff mix up for adoption has a lovely shorthair coat of raging hellfire — you’ll find there’s no need for a flashlight (or a heater!) for those early-winter-morning poop sessions. He loves to play fetch, especially with the souls of the damned, and he also likes long walks on the moor, followed by short bursts of intense cardio when he chases down your neighbors as the spirit of infernal vengeance. If you’ll be out during the day, toss him a nyla bone or a chunk of brimstone to gnaw on and he’ll just play hell with it. At night his resonant deep-throated howl will lull you to sleep, even as it has your neighbors praying for deliverance.

This big boy prefers to remain outdoors — unfortunately, he does not do well with kennels or other flammable housing. He is up-to-date on all shots within the last two or three millennia, and he makes an excellent playmate for children as long as they’re in hellfire-retardant clothing. However, as far as other pets go, he is best as an only dog; he is not good with cats or other demonic familiars.

So when Halloween comes around, let the neighbors keep squeezing their overfed Dachshunds into those twee little hot dog buns. If you’d rather have a satanic Snoopy, this is your guy!

Image Source / Public Domain