One-Star Etsy Reviews for the Yellow Wallpaper

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“The wallpaper color doesn’t match the photo, and it also stains everything it touches. It’s ruined my blazer, my yoga pants and my entire sense of personal autonomy.”

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“Everyone keeps telling me it’s great, but it looks cheap and I hate it. Turns out it’s really hard to remove, though!”

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“Easy to install — some guys even insisted on putting it up for me. But as soon as it was up I wanted it gone. I tried to tear it off in massive strips but then gave up and started donating to NOW.”

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“I tried to follow the pattern with my eyes and found myself awake at 3am posting Facebook rants about the second shift. Would not recommend.”

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“WTF is this ‘No Returns’ policy??”

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“I finally got myself what every woman wants — a room of one’s own. But then my husband covered it in this heinous wallpaper!”

Image Source / Public Domain

Mrs. Grose, the Housekeeper of Bly, Leaves an Awkward Voicemail at Ghostbusters Headquarters

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So I was wondering if you lot could come out here, as it seems there’s a couple of ghosts about the house. At least I think there is. Or maybe not. To be honest it’s all a bit vague, really. Maybe you and your proton packs could sort it out; I’m rather inclined to chuck the whole affair and grab the first train back to London.

I mean I haven’t seen anything, the kids haven’t seen anything, only the governess has seen them. But she says they’re everywhere: outside the windows, on top of the house, in the stairwells. Once even in her room.

Thank the Lord, at least the loo seems safe.

She sees them all the time, too. Won’t shut up about them. A regular fixation with her, it is. Kids are starting to get freaked out about her, too.

So, right. The ghosts. I suppose if they’re there, then we ought to get rid of them, but for the life of me I couldn’t say why. They don’t exactly do anything. There’s no moaning or shaking of chains and such. They don’t even speak.

I think they slammed a door once. But maybe that was the wind?

They do seem quite taken up with staring. According to her, they’re always goggling about at us like paparazzi at the BAFTAs. Right, so maybe they’re a little ill-bred, but I’m not certain that’s a crime, exactly. And it’s not like the rest of us can see them doing it anyway.

Maybe you could get them to wear a hat or something? The governess seems quite upset about that bit.

Look, all I’m saying is, bring your gizmos and whatnot, bring your ghost traps, but maybe bring an extra straightjacket, too. Some of us here might need it. Because there might be ghosts here. There might not. We might have to get rid of them but I’m not even sure why. Who the hell knows, really.

I’m putting in my two weeks’ notice tomorrow. Let me know how it all turns out. I’m done.

Image Source / Public Domain