Soak Your Cares Away at the Werewolf Spa!

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Open until sunrise! Book early for holidays and full moons.

Changing rooms available (both sartorial and corporeal).

Enjoy our new soundproof sauna, complete with soothing interior waterfall and patented artificial moonlight. Our steam room will make you howl with pleasure!

Complimentary organic green tea and raw beef strips (free range) included with all services.

All our spa treatments include a full-body scrub and deep-cleaning shampoo and conditioner treatment, followed by a goat’s milk body wrap to hydrate the skin and coat and restore shine.

Restorative mud bath also available to nourish the skin and replenish elasticity.

Treat yourself to one of our deep-tissue massages, followed by complimentary belly rubs and ear scritches.

Teeth cleaning and whitening — guaranteed to remove every trace of whomever you ate!

Claw filing and trimming available, with optional nail strengthener and cuticle treatment. French tips extra.

We also offer pedicures (two feet or four) — our all-natural scrub and essential oils will rejuvenate your feet after one of those all-night runs with the pack!

Finish with a trim and our exclusive Full Moon Blowout — reduces coat frizz and maintains natural volume and bounce. Optional coloring added to hide those unsightly grays!

Call for appointments.

Image Source / Public Domain

Peer Review Comments on Frankenstein’s Monster

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Reviewer 1: “Are the neck bolts strictly necessary? It seems that the study’s author could have substituted a lithium ion battery, or a solar panel, or perhaps a wall plug and an extension cable. Maybe even a rotation-powered generator with a large wheel and a particularly enthusiastic hamster would work. It’s a thought.

I’m also confused about the numerous scars and the decision to use visible stitching — it appears there was no plastic surgeon available to consult during assembly. Or perhaps the local drugstore was just out of gas-tank-sized jars of cocoa butter?

Furthermore, I’m not quite sure if the sample really needed to be gigantic to ensure proper construction. The author may want to review some of the recent advances in laparoscopic surgery.”

Reviewer 2: “This study is not innovative; it is a slight modification of an existing method. A pilot study for animation from dead matter has been detailed in the earlier publication ‘Genesis’ (see God, et. al.). The author touches on this work but is rather vague about citing it, though the theoretical parallels are striking.

Additionally, the author’s decision to withhold key elements of his methodology is, quite frankly, questionable. This makes reproducibility impossible and impugns the veracity and reliability of his results. It’s almost as if he didn’t want the study replicated.”

Reviewer 3: “Entirely unimpressive. This is not the monster I would have created.”

Image Source / Public Domain

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Hound of the Baskervilles

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This bloodhound/mastiff mix up for adoption has a lovely shorthair coat of raging hellfire — you’ll find there’s no need for a flashlight (or a heater!) for those early-winter-morning poop sessions. He loves to play fetch, especially with the souls of the damned, and he also likes long walks on the moor, followed by short bursts of intense cardio when he chases down your neighbors as the spirit of infernal vengeance. If you’ll be out during the day, toss him a nyla bone or a chunk of brimstone to gnaw on and he’ll just play hell with it. At night his resonant deep-throated howl will lull you to sleep, even as it has your neighbors praying for deliverance.

This big boy prefers to remain outdoors — unfortunately, he does not do well with kennels or other flammable housing. He is up-to-date on all shots within the last two or three millennia, and he makes an excellent playmate for children as long as they’re in hellfire-retardant clothing. However, as far as other pets go, he is best as an only dog; he is not good with cats or other demonic familiars.

So when Halloween comes around, let the neighbors keep squeezing their overfed Dachshunds into those twee little hot dog buns. If you’d rather have a satanic Snoopy, this is your guy!

Image Source / Public Domain