Airbnb Listing for Wuthering Heights

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We have one room available for rent in our 300-year-old country house in Yorkshire, ideal for either a quick weekend getaway or a love-starved eternity of misery and regret. Room comes with a bed completely surrounded by oak panels, which also enclose a bay window with a stunning view of the surrounding moors and any unquiet spirits that walk thereon. There’s a bookshelf with a full library of children’s books, guaranteed to ensure a deep and restful slumber only slightly plagued with nightmares. And just outside, there’s a lovely fir branch within easy reach of the window should you find anything needs to get out (or in).

The house also includes a handful of staff members ready to assist you with whatever you need. You’ll find Nelly and Zillah in the kitchen, willing to cook up whatever you request into something almost edible. For any outdoor work, there’s Joseph (at least we think that’s what he said his name was), who can help you with the carriage, the horses and anything else not requiring intelligible commentary. Your charming hostess, Cathy, you’ll find sulking in a corner whenever she’s not ignoring you completely. And on rare occasions you may even encounter your host, Hareton; he still communicates solely in grunts but at this point has almost entirely stopped gnawing on the table.

The house is solidly constructed, so heavy snows or stormy weather should not be any cause for concern during your stay.  Rest assured, this quiet country retreat’s sturdy beams have been proven to withstand high winds, heavy blizzards, high-pitched screaming, hurled objects, fistfights, random gunshots…uuuuhhh, wait, what were we saying again?

Once outside, you can enjoy a long walk through our scenic moorland, which is perfect for riding, sightseeing or fomenting elaborate plots of disinheritance and revenge. Just as you please!

And if you’re interested in the surrounding area, it’s just a short stroll over to Gimmerton Kirk, a quaint country church offering a sterling example of rustic English architecture. Also a convenient resting place for your weary feet, and for any love-tormented apparitions in the vicinity.

Call for reservations.

Image Source / David M. Jones, CC

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Estate Sale for a Haunted House

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Join us this Friday and Saturday, 10am-5pm, for a magnificent sale of fine-quality, gently-haunted furnishings. All pieces original to the home. Contents available for purchase include:

  • Banded mahogany dining table with 8 chairs, fully levitating
  • Elegant curio cabinet with spring-loaded glass doors for easy release of possessed artifacts (also included)
  • Carved oak armoire newly refurbished with a one-way portal to the demon realm
  • Pair of gold frame mirrors, easy to clean with Windex and a little burnt sage
  • Cast-iron queen bed, in good condition and currently haunted by fewer than five murdered brides
  • Drop-leaf wooden center table with claw feet that will need only bimonthly trimming
  • Kingston piano (by The Rudolph Wurlitzer Company) with no need for tuning; plays only one song, whether or not anyone is present.

Sale ends promptly at sunset! Please be prepared to remove all your items before dark.

Image Source / CC0

Jane Eyre and Edward Rochester’s Wedding Registry

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We cordially invite you to join us at Thornfield on the morrow for a celebration of our nuptials, which is 100% certain to take place. Should you wish to bring a gift in honor of this wedding which is definitely going to happen, please consider one of the following items from our registry:

  • Bed sheets, both fitted and flat (400+ thread count preferred! :-)) and pillowcases, so that we may rest in comfort after the exhaustion of our wedding day, definitely the first one for both of us.
  • Hand towels for our bathroom, monogrammed in honor of our blessed union, to which there is assuredly not a single impediment.
  • Place settings, for all our meals as a happy couple after this wedding which is totally going to occur.
  • Set of kitchen knives, so that we can prepare wholesome meals together, instead of having Rochester constantly order takeout like the bachelor he has been this whole time up until now.
  • Picture frames, for all the memories we will make of our happy life at Thornfield, where it’s just going to be the two of us and not a single other person living there.

Interested parties should also feel free to donate to our honeymoon / attic renovation fund. Our dream is to one day refurbish that space at the top of the house which, as you all know, is totally and completely unoccupied. For some reason, Rochester wants to put in ceiling sprinklers.

Sincerely,

Mr. Edward Rochester and Miss Jane Eyre

Image Source / Public Domain