We have one room available for rent in our 300-year-old country house in Yorkshire, ideal for either a quick weekend getaway or a love-starved eternity of misery and regret. Room comes with a bed completely surrounded by oak panels, which also enclose a bay window with a stunning view of the surrounding moors and any unquiet spirits that walk thereon. There’s a bookshelf with a full library of children’s books, guaranteed to ensure a deep and restful slumber only slightly plagued with nightmares. And just outside, there’s a lovely fir branch within easy reach of the window should you find anything needs to get out (or in).
The house also includes a handful of staff members ready to assist you with whatever you need. You’ll find Nelly and Zillah in the kitchen, willing to cook up whatever you request into something almost edible. For any outdoor work, there’s Joseph (at least we think that’s what he said his name was), who can help you with the carriage, the horses and anything else not requiring intelligible commentary. Your charming hostess, Cathy, you’ll find sulking in a corner whenever she’s not ignoring you completely. And on rare occasions you may even encounter your host, Hareton; he still communicates solely in grunts but at this point has almost entirely stopped gnawing on the table.
The house is solidly constructed, so heavy snows or stormy weather should not be any cause for concern during your stay. Rest assured, this quiet country retreat’s sturdy beams have been proven to withstand high winds, heavy blizzards, high-pitched screaming, hurled objects, fistfights, random gunshots…uuuuhhh, wait, what were we saying again?
Once outside, you can enjoy a long walk through our scenic moorland, which is perfect for riding, sightseeing or fomenting elaborate plots of disinheritance and revenge. Just as you please!
And if you’re interested in the surrounding area, it’s just a short stroll over to Gimmerton Kirk, a quaint country church offering a sterling example of rustic English architecture. Also a convenient resting place for your weary feet, and for any love-tormented apparitions in the vicinity.
Call for reservations.
Image Source / David M. Jones, CC