Victor Frankenstein’s Medical School Rejection Letter

frankenstein_pg_7

Dear Mr. Frankenstein,

The Admissions Committee of Ingolstadt Medical University has completed its review of your application, and we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place in this year’s entering class. Our committee faced a difficult task in deciding among the many highly qualified applicants, and we realize that many competent applicants will be unable to gain admission this year. If, however, you wish to reapply at some future point, please consider the following parts of your application that might be strengthened.

While we concur with you that your earlier study of Paracelsus and Albertus Magnus has few modern applications, as their so-called “exploded systems” have been superseded by more advanced knowledge, we feel your conclusion falls a little short. The works of Drs. Krempe and Waldeman that you replaced them with may indeed contain “a great deal of sound sense and real information”, but these authors’ publications rather noticeably lack an impact factor, citations or even PMID. Moreover, we suspect that their research may also be out of date, as most of it seems to have been published on parchment.

We appreciate your utter conviction that you are uniquely fated for a career in science, although it seems a little odd that fate steered you first toward a defunct field of scientific study. Fate also appears to have directed you away from any courses remotely resembling bioethics. We feel that for one intended for a career in medicine or any other field involving contact with actual humans, this shows remarkably curious judgment on, uh, “fate’s” part.

Finally, your “independent study” project, as you call it, is rather lacking in detail regarding its purpose and methodology and also appears to require a great deal of grave-robbing, which (we assure you) is not going to pass IRB. While we admire your ambition and your all-consuming desire for these experiments to ultimately “bestow animation upon lifeless matter”, as you call it, it seems this could more easily be accomplished using techniques in modern genetics. Or, failing that, with a candlelit dinner, a willing partner, some form of ethanol and an evening of very poor decision-making.

Please do not consider this a reflection on your academic ability, but feel free to view it as one on your moral character and your overall mien. We wish you the greatest success in your career and in your further efforts to gain admission to medical school — somewhere else.

Sincerely,

The Admissions Committee

Ingolstadt Medical University

Image Source / Public Domain

Jane Eyre’s Letter of Resignation

p435b

Thornfield Manor

Millcote

–shire

 

Dear Mr. Rochester,

Please accept this letter as notice of my resignation from the position of governess at Thornfield. It has been a pleasure working with you over the last several months, and I am grateful for the personal and professional development opportunities made available to me here, howsoever limited in scope. Unfortunately, I feel that the time has come for me to seek some other source of employment, ideally in a venue with more than three non-related coworkers.

If I should be granted the chance to provide feedback on my recent position, I would like to discuss the following in my exit interview:

Please consider resolving the numerous OSHA and HR violations encountered in the course of my duties. These include but are not limited to: housing a chronically ill and emotionally volatile relative on the premises without notifying the staff. Failing to install fire extinguishers in the appropriate areas. Mandating that your employees work off the clock in the evenings to accompany your rambling, incoherent conversations. Failing to respond to employee complaints of harassment from one Miss Ingram and her associates. And so on.

I would also like to address the issue of your numerous inappropriate advances. The dates and nature of these incidents, including a marriage proposal later retracted on account of fraud, have been meticulously recorded. As have the statements of several corroborating witnesses. Suffice to say: my barrister will be in touch, sir.

To ensure a smooth transition, I will be immediately transferring my remaining duties to Mrs. Fairfax and boarding the first available stagecoach leaving this godforsaken backwater. While my future career prospects may be uncertain, this opportunity for imminent departure is simply too exciting for me to decline.

I wish you every success in your future endeavors.

Best Regards,

Jane Eyre

 

P.S. Please consider ripping out the lightning-struck chestnut tree at the front gate. It’s a fire hazard.

P.P.S. Pilot needs to be fixed.

 

Image Source / Public Domain

Try Jekyll and Hyde’s All-Natural Nutritional Supplement Today!

1024px-dr_jekyll_and_mr_hyde_poster_edit1

Feel like a completely new person!

Just drink it and go — no need for messy coffee cups or overpriced energy drinks.

Enjoy the delicious taste of our patented secret formula, based on our all-natural one-of-a-kind salt extraction.

When the mixture changes color, it’s ready to drink. Just like that!

In seconds, you’ll feel younger, stronger and less morally restrained!

Enjoy having more time, more energy and more spontaneous violations of social mores.

Powder won’t go bad in storage, even after several months.

Won’t cause insomnia, weight gain or crippling feelings of compunction.

Side effects include nausea, joint pain, unrestricted hair growth and complete social ostracism. May be habit-forming.

Call today!

Image Source / CC-BY-SA-3.0

Bug Problems? Call Renfield’s Pest Control!

Dracula_Archibald_Constable_and_Company_1901

“[Renfield] disgusted me much while with him, for when a horrid blow-fly, bloated with some carrion food, buzzed into the room, he caught it, held it exultantly for a few moments between his finger and thumb, and, before I knew what he was going to do, put it in his mouth and ate it. I scolded him for it, but he argued quietly that it was very good and very wholesome; that it was life, strong life, and gave life to him.” — Bram Stoker, Dracula

RENFIELD’S PEST CONTROL

Independently owned and operated since 1890

We eliminate all kinds of pests: flies, spiders, sparrows — you name it!

We offer residential and commercial services. We’ll even do healthcare institutions!

Free consultation — we’ll assess your pest situation and create a customized treatment plan that fits your needs.

Won’t ruin your topiary, your wainscotting or your best Turkish carpet! Our pest control methods are nontoxic, fully organic and 100% safe for the environment. Ask us about our low-impact treatment plans.

Highly affordable — our services won’t cost you your soul! Guaranteed!

Call us today!

Image Source: Public Domain

Craigslist Posts for Haunted Houses: “The Romance of Certain Old Clothes”

Image Source / Public Domain

Image Source / Public Domain

craigslist > boston > all boston > housing > rooms & shares

We’re looking for some housemates for our 18th-century home in Boston; ideal candidates will enjoy cooking and needlework and will also keep my sister out of all my personal crap. Right now there’s just myself, my ex-husband, his new wife/my sister, my baby girl, and her nursemaid — one happy and completely well-adjusted little family! We’re looking for quiet, hardworking, virtuous people who might enjoy staying with us and will swear on a Bible to keep Rosalind’s grasping paws out of my stuff.

Our house offers a cozy fireplace on every floor, a dining room with French doors and a roomy attic. The attic, in particular, has plenty of available storage space for when your hellspawn sibling can’t keep her hands off your things. Like when she goes through your jewelry, or your old clothes, or your husband for example. Charming, right? There’s a lovely seaside view from the portal window and lots of extra room for storing a few treasures away from her greedy mitts.

Each of our guest bedrooms has a classic four-poster bed and comes with a wooden chest as a repository. The chests are hand-carved from solid oak and are ideal for keeping, say, a wedding veil or a set of heirloom pearls. Which is perfect if you happen to live with a treacherous Jezebel who was always jealous of your superior taste and will stop at nothing to get her hands on them.

Our house is centrally located near several transit routes, with convenient access to downtown Boston. There’s even an adjacent nature park, where you can stroll among the trees and gaze at the sunset while some thieving wench goes horseback riding with other people’s spouses. It’s like living a dream!

Interested parties are welcome to visit; please bring references, a set of padlocks and a notarized statement of marital fidelity, both pre- and post-mortem. Ask for Perdita.

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Rats From The Pit

Poe_pit_pendulum_byam_shaw

Image Source / Public Domain

We have a group of rats available for adoption, all rescued from a living environment best described as “a dungeon, but not the fun kind.” They’re currently being fostered by a volunteer while we look for their forever homes. These rats may seem like a quiet bunch, but they provide hours of entertainment. You’ll definitely want to keep your eye on them!

We’ve found that like most rats, these guys really love to chew. We used to wire the cage door shut at night, but they were all gnawing through that in seconds. At the volunteer’s home, they’ve managed to escape on several occasions and chew through the straps on her bras, the elastic on her shapewear and the links on her padded handcuffs.

In fact, it’s almost like these boys have learned to break through any kind of restraint. They’ve picked the lock on the volunteer’s bedroom door. They’ve released the parking brake on her Camaro. They’ve published her ATM code and password list on the internet. These clever little guys will just amaze you!

Adoption fee: $30 each. We’ve also got cages, bedding, and toys for sale if you need them. Pick up a cage and we’ll even throw in a computerized titanium door lock with multi-factor authentication. You know, just in case you need it.

Craigslist Posts for Haunted Houses: Furnivall Manor

Furnivall_Manor_ghost_post

Image Source / CC

craigslist > uk > northumberland > housing > rooms and shares

Looking for an awesome roommate for our isolated windswept manor house

We have one bedroom and an attached nursery available for rent in our historic country manor. There’s also a drawing room in the west wing you can use at no additional charge, and we’ll share the kitchens, the gallery and a great hall as common areas. You’ll be amazed at this place — there’s just so much space you can run around in!

But not in the east wing. Never in the east wing. That’s private.

The landlord lives on the property but is rarely around, so mostly it’ll just be my sister and me and my little girl, plus the staff. This house is over a hundred years old and comes with all its original heating and A/C (LOL!) — there’s a fireplace in every room if you’re cold, and if it’s warm you can open a window.

In fact, feel free to open the windows. Anytime. Even, say, in winter. We don’t mind. 😀

There’s also a pipe organ in the great hall, which you might hear from time to time. We’re reeeaaally into music here. We used to know this guy who was in a band once. Good. Times.

Sometimes we like to just hang out around the house, but you probably won’t see much of us. My little girl and I can also be very outdoorsy at times, especially in winter when the moon is out and the frost is on the ground. Do you like long walks in the snow at the dead of night? Great, we’ll come find you!

So if you’re interested, send us your name and contact info and tell us a little bit about yourself.

Especially tell us if you have any kids. Kids are the best! Can’t get enough of them.

Length of lease: Stay as long as you can.

If interested, call and ask for Maude.

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Horseman’s Steed

sleepy_hollow_horse

Image Source / Peter Gandia, 2015 CC

This imposing stallion stands 16 hands and is of indeterminate age, though we estimate at least 6 or 7 millennia. His sire was Beelzebub and his dam was a Friesian. Has been trained to the saddle and is good for lunge line, dressage and storming the roads at midnight like the winds of Hell on Earth. Would make an excellent companion for children and other demonic minions.

He stands well for tether, unless on consecrated ground. Under saddle he requires only a light touch and is very responsive, even if you don’t quite have your head about you. Also would make a wonderful pasture horse for other breeds of unholy lineage.

He is Coggins negative, for both equine and gytrash strains, and is up to date on all vaccinations. Has been thoroughly cleared for adoption by vet, farrier and exorcist. If interested, please call to make an appointment.

Can I interest you in this charming little property called the House of Usher?

“He was enchained by certain superstitious impressions in regard to the dwelling which he tenanted, and whence, for many years, he had never ventured forth….an influence which some peculiarities in the mere form and substance of his family mansion had, by dint of long sufferance, he said, obtained over his spirit—an effect which the physique of the gray walls and turrets, and of the dim tarn into which they all looked down, had, at length, brought about upon the morale of his existence.” — Edgar Allan Poe, The Fall of the House of Usher

mansion-1149774_1280

Image Source / CC0 Public Domain

Let’s just take a quick jaunt up this paved causeway, where at the end you’ll see a sprawling country manor that seems to open its arms wide in greeting. Almost as if it wants to wrap them around you. Cozy, right? Shall we get a little closer?

Take in those fantastic casement windows — all original, I might add. And on either side of the doorway, over the windows, that pair of spectacular Gothic arches. Exquisite stonework there. What’s that? No, I don’t think they’re judging you.

The current owner is the last of several generations of his family to live here. I think you’ll find this house is, in fact, an excellent place for ending an ancestral line. Were you thinking of having kids someday? Not anymore.

Note the fine web of fungi encasing the outer stonework. Rather like hair, you know, especially over there where it frames the casement windows. Incidentally, the owner also has a fine web of fungi instead of hair, and a flying buttress protruding from his left eyebrow. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it. It doesn’t itch or anything. You’ll see.

Step inside and let’s take a look at this elegant music room. Please note, however, that this is intended only for string instruments. The owner tried to bring in an accordion, once. Next morning he found the bag impaled by a detached cornice and the keys splayed out like teeth after a bar fight. So, just strings then. Just a suggestion.

I think you’re really going to admire the spacious library and its stunning hand-carved marble fireplace. It’s perfect for a winter evening spent curled up by the fire with the latest Stephen King. Or perhaps some Shirley Jackson. I think those are accepted. Moving on!

In the basement you’ll find a vault that could be converted to underground parking. Or you could just use it for storage. It’s lined with copper just in case you need to store, you know, volatile compounds. Or hey, something organic. Good for that, too.

This property comes with all its original architecture, furnishings and landscaping. Incidentally, there’s no need to water the landscape at present — it may appear dead, but if you look closely you’ll see the plants are actually thriving. The last gardener gave them the wrong mulch, but they seem to have recovered. Also, he hasn’t been seen for some time. Ignore the camellias tenderly gripping that little rise behind the hedge there.

You’ll also notice this house is quite solidly built. That hairline fracture in the outer wall can just be spackled over, no worries. Also there’s the matter of the tarn (but that’s definitely potable water in there, I assure you. Know any good pool cleaners?).

Other than that, though, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Just look at that antique statuary!

Of course you should know the owner is looking for a quick sale, but if you’d like some time to think it over there’s no rush. I’m sure the house will still be here. Waiting.

So shall I follow up with you on Monday, then?

Lois the Mean Girl

Source Text: Lois the Witch

With apologies to Tina Fey, et. al.

Engraving of the Salem Witch Trials

Image Source / Public Domain

Lois was brought before Mr. Hathorn, justice of Salem, to be publicly accused, in a dress that was probably from Sears. At the sight of her Prudence snickered, then covered it with weeping and stretched forth a finger in blame. Justice Hathorn bade Prudence keep her peace, though she wailed that she had been sorely persecuted. Then he commenced.

“Lois Barclay, you are hereby accused of witchcraft for having committed the following crimes: for having worn pink on Wednesdays, for having said that Pastor Nolan’s hair looked sexy when it was pushed back, for having opened an unholy book and therein written that Prudence Hickson was…was a…”

“Fugly slut!” Prudence burst forth. She lapsed again into tears as the crowd glared at Lois and muttered.

“I am innocent, my good sir,” Lois said quietly. “I protest, these are not such crimes as they may seem.”

The abhorrent multitude clamored. “Boo, you whore!”

A voice cried out suddenly from the courtroom. “Why cannot we all get along? I would that I could bake everyone a cake made of rainbows and smiles. Forsooth everyone would then be happy.” It was Widow Smith.

The crowd ignored her, for she was from Boston and did not even go here.

Then the judge called forth as witness Lois’ aunt, Grace Hickson, with whom Lois had lived these past several months. She was Lois’ only remaining relative.

“Lord knows I did my best, out of memory for her own dear parents. But she is a most unnatural child and a stain upon our family forever,” spoke Grace. “Though I must own I am partly at fault. For though I was like a mother to her, I was not as other moms were. I was a cool mom. Because if she were going to do such witchcraft, I would rather she do it in the house.”

The crowd murmured again. In the close and stifling room, they began to stir.

Suddenly the courtroom was rent by a piercing cry. Prudence began to shriek and roll around on the floor. She cried out to Lois, and pleaded with her to cease her torment.

The masses started to declaim. Judge Hathorn called for silence.

“Is there no end to your demonic abilities?” he roared at Lois. “Have your powers no earthly bounds?”

Lois sighed, and said stoutly, “The limit does not exist.”

“Lois Barclay,” the judge intoned, “I find you guilty of the crimes you are charged with. I sentence you to be– what’s the word? Grounded. For two weeks you shall be confined to your home, and you shall not venture forth during that time.”

The multitude howled in approval, and cried out against her evil ways. Lois hung her head, overcome, and was borne out of the courtroom.

Prudence recovered her senses and fled outside, whereupon she was hit by a stagecoach.

As the mob clamored and raged, Judge Hathorn stared out over the court and shook his head. “I would that I had never left the South Side of Massachusetts for this.”