Prince Prospero, As Your Royal Event Coordinator I’d Like To Pitch You A Few Guaranteed No-Fail Straight-Up Genius Party Ideas

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“The prince had provided all the appliances of pleasure. There were buffoons, there were improvisatori, there were ballet-dancers, there were musicians, there was Beauty, there was wine. All these and security were within. Without was the ‘Red Death.'” — “The Masque of the Red Death”, Edgar Allan Poe

So here’s just a few of my certifiably brilliant ideas for a totally baller party. I’m thinking, since we need to get away anyway due to the widespread virulent plague, we should definitely hold it waaaay up in the mountains. Say, at an abbey — remote, secluded, such a great setup. We won’t have any trouble getting hundreds of people up those narrow mountain roads or anything. None at all. Also, everyone’ll totally be able to find it without GPS. It’s not like they can get lost. When did a party ever get lost in the mountains? It’ll be perfect.

Now, here’s what I’m thinking for the decor. We’ve got all different colors, we’ve got blue, purple, green, orange, etc. We go with just one color scheme in each room. Very trendy. Very po-mo. It’ll really bring out the whole environment. In the last room we go with all black, but just to change it up a bit, add some red light filters to really make it pop. So early-Madonna. People will go nuts. Also, they’ll definitely be able to mingle in there without knocking over the canapes or tripping on stoners or banging a knee on the end table. Not even remotely an issue.

For a centerpiece, I’m thinking we should go with one of those old-style grandfather clocks. Maybe stick it in the black room. Let’s see if we can get a mike in it, too, so when it chimes everyone can hear it. Maybe turn it up so loud that the live band has to stop whenever it sounds the hours. People will love it. It’ll be such a great conversation piece, trust me. Totally unforgettable.

Oh I almost forgot — the ‘pièce de résistance’, as they say. So, my second cousin’s roommate has this costume. It’s practically a museum piece. It’s fantastic. I’m thinking we have him appear suddenly in the crowd. Right at the stroke of twelve. Center of the room, so everyone’s watching. It’ll be a hit. Seriously, this costume is amazing. He’s won awards for it at ComicCon. It’s unbelievable. People will be talking about it for weeks. He’s just really gonna knock ‘em dead.”

Image Source / Tom, CC

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One-Star Etsy Reviews for the Yellow Wallpaper

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“The wallpaper color doesn’t match the photo, and it also stains everything it touches. It’s ruined my blazer, my yoga pants and my entire sense of personal autonomy.”

***

“Everyone keeps telling me it’s great, but it looks cheap and I hate it. Turns out it’s really hard to remove, though!”

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“Easy to install — some guys even insisted on putting it up for me. But as soon as it was up I wanted it gone. I tried to tear it off in massive strips but then gave up and started donating to NOW.”

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“I tried to follow the pattern with my eyes and found myself awake at 3am posting Facebook rants about the second shift. Would not recommend.”

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“WTF is this ‘No Returns’ policy??”

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“I finally got myself what every woman wants — a room of one’s own. But then my husband covered it in this heinous wallpaper!”

Image Source / Public Domain

Mrs. Grose, the Housekeeper of Bly, Leaves an Awkward Voicemail at Ghostbusters Headquarters

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So I was wondering if you lot could come out here, as it seems there’s a couple of ghosts about the house. At least I think there is. Or maybe not. To be honest it’s all a bit vague, really. Maybe you and your proton packs could sort it out; I’m rather inclined to chuck the whole affair and grab the first train back to London.

I mean I haven’t seen anything, the kids haven’t seen anything, only the governess has seen them. But she says they’re everywhere: outside the windows, on top of the house, in the stairwells. Once even in her room.

Thank the Lord, at least the loo seems safe.

She sees them all the time, too. Won’t shut up about them. A regular fixation with her, it is. Kids are starting to get freaked out about her, too.

So, right. The ghosts. I suppose if they’re there, then we ought to get rid of them, but for the life of me I couldn’t say why. They don’t exactly do anything. There’s no moaning or shaking of chains and such. They don’t even speak.

I think they slammed a door once. But maybe that was the wind?

They do seem quite taken up with staring. According to her, they’re always goggling about at us like paparazzi at the BAFTAs. Right, so maybe they’re a little ill-bred, but I’m not certain that’s a crime, exactly. And it’s not like the rest of us can see them doing it anyway.

Maybe you could get them to wear a hat or something? The governess seems quite upset about that bit.

Look, all I’m saying is, bring your gizmos and whatnot, bring your ghost traps, but maybe bring an extra straightjacket, too. Some of us here might need it. Because there might be ghosts here. There might not. We might have to get rid of them but I’m not even sure why. Who the hell knows, really.

I’m putting in my two weeks’ notice tomorrow. Let me know how it all turns out. I’m done.

Image Source / Public Domain

Victor Frankenstein’s Medical School Rejection Letter

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Dear Mr. Frankenstein,

The Admissions Committee of Ingolstadt Medical University has completed its review of your application, and we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place in this year’s entering class. Our committee faced a difficult task in deciding among the many highly qualified applicants, and we realize that many competent applicants will be unable to gain admission this year. If, however, you wish to reapply at some future point, please consider the following parts of your application that might be strengthened.

While we concur with you that your earlier study of Paracelsus and Albertus Magnus has few modern applications, as their so-called “exploded systems” have been superseded by more advanced knowledge, we feel your conclusion falls a little short. The works of Drs. Krempe and Waldeman that you replaced them with may indeed contain “a great deal of sound sense and real information”, but these authors’ publications rather noticeably lack an impact factor, citations or even PMID. Moreover, we suspect that their research may also be out of date, as most of it seems to have been published on parchment.

We appreciate your utter conviction that you are uniquely fated for a career in science, although it seems a little odd that fate steered you first toward a defunct field of scientific study. Fate also appears to have directed you away from any courses remotely resembling bioethics. We feel that for one intended for a career in medicine or any other field involving contact with actual humans, this shows remarkably curious judgment on, uh, “fate’s” part.

Finally, your “independent study” project, as you call it, is rather lacking in detail regarding its purpose and methodology and also appears to require a great deal of grave-robbing, which (we assure you) is not going to pass IRB. While we admire your ambition and your all-consuming desire for these experiments to ultimately “bestow animation upon lifeless matter”, as you call it, it seems this could more easily be accomplished using techniques in modern genetics. Or, failing that, with a candlelit dinner, a willing partner, some form of ethanol and an evening of very poor decision-making.

Please do not consider this a reflection on your academic ability, but feel free to view it as one on your moral character and your overall mien. We wish you the greatest success in your career and in your further efforts to gain admission to medical school — somewhere else.

Sincerely,

The Admissions Committee

Ingolstadt Medical University

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Jane Eyre’s Letter of Resignation

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Thornfield Manor

Millcote

–shire

 

Dear Mr. Rochester,

Please accept this letter as notice of my resignation from the position of governess at Thornfield. It has been a pleasure working with you over the last several months, and I am grateful for the personal and professional development opportunities made available to me here, howsoever limited in scope. Unfortunately, I feel that the time has come for me to seek some other source of employment, ideally in a venue with more than three non-related coworkers.

If I should be granted the chance to provide feedback on my recent position, I would like to discuss the following in my exit interview:

Please consider resolving the numerous OSHA and HR violations encountered in the course of my duties. These include but are not limited to: housing a chronically ill and emotionally volatile relative on the premises without notifying the staff. Failing to install fire extinguishers in the appropriate areas. Mandating that your employees work off the clock in the evenings to accompany your rambling, incoherent conversations. Failing to respond to employee complaints of harassment from one Miss Ingram and her associates. And so on.

I would also like to address the issue of your numerous inappropriate advances. The dates and nature of these incidents, including a marriage proposal later retracted on account of fraud, have been meticulously recorded. As have the statements of several corroborating witnesses. Suffice to say: my barrister will be in touch, sir.

To ensure a smooth transition, I will be immediately transferring my remaining duties to Mrs. Fairfax and boarding the first available stagecoach leaving this godforsaken backwater. While my future career prospects may be uncertain, this opportunity for imminent departure is simply too exciting for me to decline.

I wish you every success in your future endeavors.

Best Regards,

Jane Eyre

 

P.S. Please consider ripping out the lightning-struck chestnut tree at the front gate. It’s a fire hazard.

P.P.S. Pilot needs to be fixed.

 

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Try Jekyll and Hyde’s All-Natural Nutritional Supplement Today!

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Bug Problems? Call Renfield’s Pest Control!

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“[Renfield] disgusted me much while with him, for when a horrid blow-fly, bloated with some carrion food, buzzed into the room, he caught it, held it exultantly for a few moments between his finger and thumb, and, before I knew what he was going to do, put it in his mouth and ate it. I scolded him for it, but he argued quietly that it was very good and very wholesome; that it was life, strong life, and gave life to him.” — Bram Stoker, Dracula

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Craigslist Posts for Haunted Houses: “The Romance of Certain Old Clothes”

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craigslist > boston > all boston > housing > rooms & shares

We’re looking for some housemates for our 18th-century home in Boston; ideal candidates will enjoy cooking and needlework and will also keep my sister out of all my personal crap. Right now there’s just myself, my ex-husband, his new wife/my sister, my baby girl, and her nursemaid — one happy and completely well-adjusted little family! We’re looking for quiet, hardworking, virtuous people who might enjoy staying with us and will swear on a Bible to keep Rosalind’s grasping paws out of my stuff.

Our house offers a cozy fireplace on every floor, a dining room with French doors and a roomy attic. The attic, in particular, has plenty of available storage space for when your hellspawn sibling can’t keep her hands off your things. Like when she goes through your jewelry, or your old clothes, or your husband for example. Charming, right? There’s a lovely seaside view from the portal window and lots of extra room for storing a few treasures away from her greedy mitts.

Each of our guest bedrooms has a classic four-poster bed and comes with a wooden chest as a repository. The chests are hand-carved from solid oak and are ideal for keeping, say, a wedding veil or a set of heirloom pearls. Which is perfect if you happen to live with a treacherous Jezebel who was always jealous of your superior taste and will stop at nothing to get her hands on them.

Our house is centrally located near several transit routes, with convenient access to downtown Boston. There’s even an adjacent nature park, where you can stroll among the trees and gaze at the sunset while some thieving wench goes horseback riding with other people’s spouses. It’s like living a dream!

Interested parties are welcome to visit; please bring references, a set of padlocks and a notarized statement of marital fidelity, both pre- and post-mortem. Ask for Perdita.

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Rats From The Pit

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We have a group of rats available for adoption, all rescued from a living environment best described as “a dungeon, but not the fun kind.” They’re currently being fostered by a volunteer while we look for their forever homes. These rats may seem like a quiet bunch, but they provide hours of entertainment. You’ll definitely want to keep your eye on them!

We’ve found that like most rats, these guys really love to chew. We used to wire the cage door shut at night, but they were all gnawing through that in seconds. At the volunteer’s home, they’ve managed to escape on several occasions and chew through the straps on her bras, the elastic on her shapewear and the links on her padded handcuffs.

In fact, it’s almost like these boys have learned to break through any kind of restraint. They’ve picked the lock on the volunteer’s bedroom door. They’ve released the parking brake on her Camaro. They’ve published her ATM code and password list on the internet. These clever little guys will just amaze you!

Adoption fee: $30 each. We’ve also got cages, bedding, and toys for sale if you need them. Pick up a cage and we’ll even throw in a computerized titanium door lock with multi-factor authentication. You know, just in case you need it.

Craigslist Posts for Haunted Houses: Furnivall Manor

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craigslist > uk > northumberland > housing > rooms and shares

Looking for an awesome roommate for our isolated windswept manor house

We have one bedroom and an attached nursery available for rent in our historic country manor. There’s also a drawing room in the west wing you can use at no additional charge, and we’ll share the kitchens, the gallery and a great hall as common areas. You’ll be amazed at this place — there’s just so much space you can run around in!

But not in the east wing. Never in the east wing. That’s private.

The landlord lives on the property but is rarely around, so mostly it’ll just be my sister and me and my little girl, plus the staff. This house is over a hundred years old and comes with all its original heating and A/C (LOL!) — there’s a fireplace in every room if you’re cold, and if it’s warm you can open a window.

In fact, feel free to open the windows. Anytime. Even, say, in winter. We don’t mind. 😀

There’s also a pipe organ in the great hall, which you might hear from time to time. We’re reeeaaally into music here. We used to know this guy who was in a band once. Good. Times.

Sometimes we like to just hang out around the house, but you probably won’t see much of us. My little girl and I can also be very outdoorsy at times, especially in winter when the moon is out and the frost is on the ground. Do you like long walks in the snow at the dead of night? Great, we’ll come find you!

So if you’re interested, send us your name and contact info and tell us a little bit about yourself.

Especially tell us if you have any kids. Kids are the best! Can’t get enough of them.

Length of lease: Stay as long as you can.

If interested, call and ask for Maude.