Airbnb Listing for Wuthering Heights

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We have one room available for rent in our 300-year-old country house in Yorkshire, ideal for either a quick weekend getaway or a love-starved eternity of misery and regret. Room comes with a bed completely surrounded by oak panels, which also enclose a bay window with a stunning view of the surrounding moors and any unquiet spirits that walk thereon. There’s a bookshelf with a full library of children’s books, guaranteed to ensure a deep and restful slumber only slightly plagued with nightmares. And just outside, there’s a lovely fir branch within easy reach of the window should you find anything needs to get out (or in).

The house also includes a handful of staff members ready to assist you with whatever you need. You’ll find Nelly and Zillah in the kitchen, willing to cook up whatever you request into something almost edible. For any outdoor work, there’s Joseph (at least we think that’s what he said his name was), who can help you with the carriage, the horses and anything else not requiring intelligible commentary. Your charming hostess, Cathy, you’ll find sulking in a corner whenever she’s not ignoring you completely. And on rare occasions you may even encounter your host, Hareton; he still communicates solely in grunts but at this point has almost entirely stopped gnawing on the table.

The house is solidly constructed, so heavy snows or stormy weather should not be any cause for concern during your stay.  Rest assured, this quiet country retreat’s sturdy beams have been proven to withstand high winds, heavy blizzards, high-pitched screaming, hurled objects, fistfights, random gunshots…uuuuhhh, wait, what were we saying again?

Once outside, you can enjoy a long walk through our scenic moorland, which is perfect for riding, sightseeing or fomenting elaborate plots of disinheritance and revenge. Just as you please!

And if you’re interested in the surrounding area, it’s just a short stroll over to Gimmerton Kirk, a quaint country church offering a sterling example of rustic English architecture. Also a convenient resting place for your weary feet, and for any love-tormented apparitions in the vicinity.

Call for reservations.

Image Source / David M. Jones, CC

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Estate Sale for a Haunted House

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Join us this Friday and Saturday, 10am-5pm, for a magnificent sale of fine-quality, gently-haunted furnishings. All pieces original to the home. Contents available for purchase include:

  • Banded mahogany dining table with 8 chairs, fully levitating
  • Elegant curio cabinet with spring-loaded glass doors for easy release of possessed artifacts (also included)
  • Carved oak armoire newly refurbished with a one-way portal to the demon realm
  • Pair of gold frame mirrors, easy to clean with Windex and a little burnt sage
  • Cast-iron queen bed, in good condition and currently haunted by fewer than five murdered brides
  • Drop-leaf wooden center table with claw feet that will need only bimonthly trimming
  • Kingston piano (by The Rudolph Wurlitzer Company) with no need for tuning; plays only one song, whether or not anyone is present.

Sale ends promptly at sunset! Please be prepared to remove all your items before dark.

Image Source / CC0

Airbnb Listing for the Pit and the Pendulum

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We have a spacious one-room apartment available; it comes with a single bed and is located in a historic building shared with a quaint little monastic organization. This room is a basement room with an open floor plan, making it fully adaptable to your needs, and it’s also completely soundproof — while you’re here, go ahead and make some noise. In fact, scream all you want! No one will hear you. 🙂

This room is naturally cool in summer and comes tastefully accented with granite floors, granite walls and a granite ceiling. Even the doors would be granite, if there were any. If it’s cold outside, you’ll find the floors, walls and ceiling can all be heated, so you’re entirely surrounded with a toasty warmth you just can’t escape. Moreover, the living space is fully adjustable: walls can be moved as needed. We’d be more than happy to demonstrate this for you if you like.

The room also features a cavernous lower-level space, where you can stash your luggage during your stay. Feel free to explore this space as much as you want! This deep, perpendicular, hole-shaped storage area is fully accessible from anywhere in the room — just walk (very carefully) right across the floor.

Finally, the room also features a vaulted ceiling and one rather distinctive architectural centerpiece. It’s kind of like a huge chandelier or a mobile, but better. You’ll just have to see it.

Whether you’re planning on a week-long vacation or an overnight stay, we’d sure love to have you! Please be our guest for as long as you can.

If interested, call and ask for Torquemada.

**Room may have a small rodent problem. Ask for details.

Image Source / Public Domain

Soak Your Cares Away at the Werewolf Spa!

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Open until sunrise! Book early for holidays and full moons.

Changing rooms available (both sartorial and corporeal).

Enjoy our new soundproof sauna, complete with soothing interior waterfall and patented artificial moonlight. Our steam room will make you howl with pleasure!

Complimentary organic green tea and raw beef strips (free range) included with all services.

All our spa treatments include a full-body scrub and deep-cleaning shampoo and conditioner treatment, followed by a goat’s milk body wrap to hydrate the skin and coat and restore shine.

Restorative mud bath also available to nourish the skin and replenish elasticity.

Treat yourself to one of our deep-tissue massages, followed by complimentary belly rubs and ear scritches.

Teeth cleaning and whitening — guaranteed to remove every trace of whomever you ate!

Claw filing and trimming available, with optional nail strengthener and cuticle treatment. French tips extra.

We also offer pedicures (two feet or four) — our all-natural scrub and essential oils will rejuvenate your feet after one of those all-night runs with the pack!

Finish with a trim and our exclusive Full Moon Blowout — reduces coat frizz and maintains natural volume and bounce. Optional coloring added to hide those unsightly grays!

Call for appointments.

Image Source / Public Domain

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Hound of the Baskervilles

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This bloodhound/mastiff mix up for adoption has a lovely shorthair coat of raging hellfire — you’ll find there’s no need for a flashlight (or a heater!) for those early-winter-morning poop sessions. He loves to play fetch, especially with the souls of the damned, and he also likes long walks on the moor, followed by short bursts of intense cardio when he chases down your neighbors as the spirit of infernal vengeance. If you’ll be out during the day, toss him a nyla bone or a chunk of brimstone to gnaw on and he’ll just play hell with it. At night his resonant deep-throated howl will lull you to sleep, even as it has your neighbors praying for deliverance.

This big boy prefers to remain outdoors — unfortunately, he does not do well with kennels or other flammable housing. He is up-to-date on all shots within the last two or three millennia, and he makes an excellent playmate for children as long as they’re in hellfire-retardant clothing. However, as far as other pets go, he is best as an only dog; he is not good with cats or other demonic familiars.

So when Halloween comes around, let the neighbors keep squeezing their overfed Dachshunds into those twee little hot dog buns. If you’d rather have a satanic Snoopy, this is your guy!

Image Source / Public Domain

Try Jekyll and Hyde’s All-Natural Nutritional Supplement Today!

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Feel like a completely new person!

Just drink it and go — no need for messy coffee cups or overpriced energy drinks.

Enjoy the delicious taste of our patented secret formula, based on our all-natural one-of-a-kind salt extraction.

When the mixture changes color, it’s ready to drink. Just like that!

In seconds, you’ll feel younger, stronger and less morally restrained!

Enjoy having more time, more energy and more spontaneous violations of social mores.

Powder won’t go bad in storage, even after several months.

Won’t cause insomnia, weight gain or crippling feelings of compunction.

Side effects include nausea, joint pain, unrestricted hair growth and complete social ostracism. May be habit-forming.

Call today!

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Bug Problems? Call Renfield’s Pest Control!

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“[Renfield] disgusted me much while with him, for when a horrid blow-fly, bloated with some carrion food, buzzed into the room, he caught it, held it exultantly for a few moments between his finger and thumb, and, before I knew what he was going to do, put it in his mouth and ate it. I scolded him for it, but he argued quietly that it was very good and very wholesome; that it was life, strong life, and gave life to him.” — Bram Stoker, Dracula

RENFIELD’S PEST CONTROL

Independently owned and operated since 1890

We eliminate all kinds of pests: flies, spiders, sparrows — you name it!

We offer residential and commercial services. We’ll even do healthcare institutions!

Free consultation — we’ll assess your pest situation and create a customized treatment plan that fits your needs.

Won’t ruin your topiary, your wainscotting or your best Turkish carpet! Our pest control methods are nontoxic, fully organic and 100% safe for the environment. Ask us about our low-impact treatment plans.

Highly affordable — our services won’t cost you your soul! Guaranteed!

Call us today!

Image Source: Public Domain

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Rats From The Pit

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Image Source / Public Domain

We have a group of rats available for adoption, all rescued from a living environment best described as “a dungeon, but not the fun kind.” They’re currently being fostered by a volunteer while we look for their forever homes. These rats may seem like a quiet bunch, but they provide hours of entertainment. You’ll definitely want to keep your eye on them!

We’ve found that like most rats, these guys really love to chew. We used to wire the cage door shut at night, but they were all gnawing through that in seconds. At the volunteer’s home, they’ve managed to escape on several occasions and chew through the straps on her bras, the elastic on her shapewear and the links on her padded handcuffs.

In fact, it’s almost like these boys have learned to break through any kind of restraint. They’ve picked the lock on the volunteer’s bedroom door. They’ve released the parking brake on her Camaro. They’ve published her ATM code and password list on the internet. These clever little guys will just amaze you!

Adoption fee: $30 each. We’ve also got cages, bedding, and toys for sale if you need them. Pick up a cage and we’ll even throw in a computerized titanium door lock with multi-factor authentication. You know, just in case you need it.

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Horseman’s Steed

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Image Source / Peter Gandia, 2015 CC

This imposing stallion stands 16 hands and is of indeterminate age, though we estimate at least 6 or 7 millennia. His sire was Beelzebub and his dam was a Friesian. Has been trained to the saddle and is good for lunge line, dressage and storming the roads at midnight like the winds of Hell on Earth. Would make an excellent companion for children and other demonic minions.

He stands well for tether, unless on consecrated ground. Under saddle he requires only a light touch and is very responsive, even if you don’t quite have your head about you. Also would make a wonderful pasture horse for other breeds of unholy lineage.

He is Coggins negative, for both equine and gytrash strains, and is up to date on all vaccinations. Has been thoroughly cleared for adoption by vet, farrier and exorcist. If interested, please call to make an appointment.

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Black Cat

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Image Source / Public Domain

Meet Winky! He’s a big boy with a friendly heart who’ll trot around after you everywhere, like judgment. We love how he’s always winking at you — almost like you two share a secret! Winky’s a handsome black kitty with a single white chest patch that vaguely resembles a tuxedo. Or maybe a noose. Well, at least you’ll know he’s always dressed appropriately!

Winky tends to get really attached to people, like public censure. You may find him sitting under your chair, jumping into your lap or running between your legs while you’re walking. Try as you might, you just can’t get away from him! At night you may find him sleeping on your chest like the weight of your subconscious. Or you may wake suddenly in the darkness, to face the incarnate nightmare that you have no power to shake off — oops, that’s his butt! He’s got so many ways of getting your attention.

Winky’s also quite vocal, especially around dinnertime or in front of the cops. It’s almost like you can hear him saying “Hey guys, where’s my food?” or “The body’s over here!” Such a character!

Winky intends to be a persistent, unshakable, lifelong companion. However, he also likes his down time for rest and reflection. For this reason, Winky needs to be adopted into a quiet home with one resident and a guilty conscience.