Is There A Poltergeist In My House Or Do I Just Have A Cat?

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It’s 3AM. I wake in the darkness. All the cabinet doors are open.

***

Halfway through “Dateline”, a ceramic shepherdess in a pink flowered bonnet flies off the mantle.

***

From the darkest corner of the closet, a purgatory for old purses and the remnants of last year’s casualwear, a nauseating smell suddenly emanates.

***

The car keys are placed on the side table. Then gone. Hours later, they are found underneath the couch.

***

I am walking down a dark hallway. An unseen object barrels against my shins. I experience a brief moment of levitation.

***

While dining on homemade tuna casserole, I pause at a faint sound of wailing. There is a sensation of tiny needles pricking my thigh.

***

I wake at night to the rasp of a wordless incantation, a hacking staccato, the dreaded sound of something being called up from the depths to burst into our mortal realm. I shudder at the realization I must clean it up tomorrow.

Image Source / CC

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Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Hound of the Baskervilles

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This bloodhound/mastiff mix up for adoption has a lovely shorthair coat of raging hellfire — you’ll find there’s no need for a flashlight (or a heater!) for those early-winter-morning poop sessions. He loves to play fetch, especially with the souls of the damned, and he also likes long walks on the moor, followed by short bursts of intense cardio when he chases down your neighbors as the spirit of infernal vengeance. If you’ll be out during the day, toss him a nyla bone or a chunk of brimstone to gnaw on and he’ll just play hell with it. At night his resonant deep-throated howl will lull you to sleep, even as it has your neighbors praying for deliverance.

This big boy prefers to remain outdoors — unfortunately, he does not do well with kennels or other flammable housing. He is up-to-date on all shots within the last two or three millennia, and he makes an excellent playmate for children as long as they’re in hellfire-retardant clothing. However, as far as other pets go, he is best as an only dog; he is not good with cats or other demonic familiars.

So when Halloween comes around, let the neighbors keep squeezing their overfed Dachshunds into those twee little hot dog buns. If you’d rather have a satanic Snoopy, this is your guy!

Image Source / Public Domain

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Rats From The Pit

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Image Source / Public Domain

We have a group of rats available for adoption, all rescued from a living environment best described as “a dungeon, but not the fun kind.” They’re currently being fostered by a volunteer while we look for their forever homes. These rats may seem like a quiet bunch, but they provide hours of entertainment. You’ll definitely want to keep your eye on them!

We’ve found that like most rats, these guys really love to chew. We used to wire the cage door shut at night, but they were all gnawing through that in seconds. At the volunteer’s home, they’ve managed to escape on several occasions and chew through the straps on her bras, the elastic on her shapewear and the links on her padded handcuffs.

In fact, it’s almost like these boys have learned to break through any kind of restraint. They’ve picked the lock on the volunteer’s bedroom door. They’ve released the parking brake on her Camaro. They’ve published her ATM code and password list on the internet. These clever little guys will just amaze you!

Adoption fee: $30 each. We’ve also got cages, bedding, and toys for sale if you need them. Pick up a cage and we’ll even throw in a computerized titanium door lock with multi-factor authentication. You know, just in case you need it.

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Horseman’s Steed

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Image Source / Peter Gandia, 2015 CC

This imposing stallion stands 16 hands and is of indeterminate age, though we estimate at least 6 or 7 millennia. His sire was Beelzebub and his dam was a Friesian. Has been trained to the saddle and is good for lunge line, dressage and storming the roads at midnight like the winds of Hell on Earth. Would make an excellent companion for children and other demonic minions.

He stands well for tether, unless on consecrated ground. Under saddle he requires only a light touch and is very responsive, even if you don’t quite have your head about you. Also would make a wonderful pasture horse for other breeds of unholy lineage.

He is Coggins negative, for both equine and gytrash strains, and is up to date on all vaccinations. Has been thoroughly cleared for adoption by vet, farrier and exorcist. If interested, please call to make an appointment.

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Black Cat

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Image Source / Public Domain

Meet Winky! He’s a big boy with a friendly heart who’ll trot around after you everywhere, like judgment. We love how he’s always winking at you — almost like you two share a secret! Winky’s a handsome black kitty with a single white chest patch that vaguely resembles a tuxedo. Or maybe a noose. Well, at least you’ll know he’s always dressed appropriately!

Winky tends to get really attached to people, like public censure. You may find him sitting under your chair, jumping into your lap or running between your legs while you’re walking. Try as you might, you just can’t get away from him! At night you may find him sleeping on your chest like the weight of your subconscious. Or you may wake suddenly in the darkness, to face the incarnate nightmare that you have no power to shake off — oops, that’s his butt! He’s got so many ways of getting your attention.

Winky’s also quite vocal, especially around dinnertime or in front of the cops. It’s almost like you can hear him saying “Hey guys, where’s my food?” or “The body’s over here!” Such a character!

Winky intends to be a persistent, unshakable, lifelong companion. However, he also likes his down time for rest and reflection. For this reason, Winky needs to be adopted into a quiet home with one resident and a guilty conscience.