One-Star Etsy Reviews for the Yellow Wallpaper

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“The wallpaper color doesn’t match the photo, and it also stains everything it touches. It’s ruined my blazer, my yoga pants and my entire sense of personal autonomy.”

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“Everyone keeps telling me it’s great, but it looks cheap and I hate it. Turns out it’s really hard to remove, though!”

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“Easy to install — some guys even insisted on putting it up for me. But as soon as it was up I wanted it gone. I tried to tear it off in massive strips but then gave up and started donating to NOW.”

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“I tried to follow the pattern with my eyes and found myself awake at 3am posting Facebook rants about the second shift. Would not recommend.”

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“WTF is this ‘No Returns’ policy??”

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“I finally got myself what every woman wants — a room of one’s own. But then my husband covered it in this heinous wallpaper!”

Image Source / Public Domain

Jane Eyre’s Letter of Resignation

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Thornfield Manor

Millcote

–shire

 

Dear Mr. Rochester,

Please accept this letter as notice of my resignation from the position of governess at Thornfield. It has been a pleasure working with you over the last several months, and I am grateful for the personal and professional development opportunities made available to me here, howsoever limited in scope. Unfortunately, I feel that the time has come for me to seek some other source of employment, ideally in a venue with more than three non-related coworkers.

If I should be granted the chance to provide feedback on my recent position, I would like to discuss the following in my exit interview:

Please consider resolving the numerous OSHA and HR violations encountered in the course of my duties. These include but are not limited to: housing a chronically ill and emotionally volatile relative on the premises without notifying the staff. Failing to install fire extinguishers in the appropriate areas. Mandating that your employees work off the clock in the evenings to accompany your rambling, incoherent conversations. Failing to respond to employee complaints of harassment from one Miss Ingram and her associates. And so on.

I would also like to address the issue of your numerous inappropriate advances. The dates and nature of these incidents, including a marriage proposal later retracted on account of fraud, have been meticulously recorded. As have the statements of several corroborating witnesses. Suffice to say: my barrister will be in touch, sir.

To ensure a smooth transition, I will be immediately transferring my remaining duties to Mrs. Fairfax and boarding the first available stagecoach leaving this godforsaken backwater. While my future career prospects may be uncertain, this opportunity for imminent departure is simply too exciting for me to decline.

I wish you every success in your future endeavors.

Best Regards,

Jane Eyre

 

P.S. Please consider ripping out the lightning-struck chestnut tree at the front gate. It’s a fire hazard.

P.P.S. Pilot needs to be fixed.

 

Image Source / Public Domain