Estate Sale for a Haunted House

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Join us this Friday and Saturday, 10am-5pm, for a magnificent sale of fine-quality, gently-haunted furnishings. All pieces original to the home. Contents available for purchase include:

  • Banded mahogany dining table with 8 chairs, fully levitating
  • Elegant curio cabinet with spring-loaded glass doors for easy release of possessed artifacts (also included)
  • Carved oak armoire newly refurbished with a one-way portal to the demon realm
  • Pair of gold frame mirrors, easy to clean with Windex and a little burnt sage
  • Cast-iron queen bed, in good condition and currently haunted by fewer than five murdered brides
  • Drop-leaf wooden center table with claw feet that will need only bimonthly trimming
  • Kingston piano (by The Rudolph Wurlitzer Company) with no need for tuning; plays only one song, whether or not anyone is present.

Sale ends promptly at sunset! Please be prepared to remove all your items before dark.

Image Source / CC0

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Jane Eyre and Edward Rochester’s Wedding Registry

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We cordially invite you to join us at Thornfield on the morrow for a celebration of our nuptials, which is 100% certain to take place. Should you wish to bring a gift in honor of this wedding which is definitely going to happen, please consider one of the following items from our registry:

  • Bed sheets, both fitted and flat (400+ thread count preferred! :-)) and pillowcases, so that we may rest in comfort after the exhaustion of our wedding day, definitely the first one for both of us.
  • Hand towels for our bathroom, monogrammed in honor of our blessed union, to which there is assuredly not a single impediment.
  • Place settings, for all our meals as a happy couple after this wedding which is totally going to occur.
  • Set of kitchen knives, so that we can prepare wholesome meals together, instead of having Rochester constantly order takeout like the bachelor he has been this whole time up until now.
  • Picture frames, for all the memories we will make of our happy life at Thornfield, where it’s just going to be the two of us and not a single other person living there.

Interested parties should also feel free to donate to our honeymoon / attic renovation fund. Our dream is to one day refurbish that space at the top of the house which, as you all know, is totally and completely unoccupied. For some reason, Rochester wants to put in ceiling sprinklers.

Sincerely,

Mr. Edward Rochester and Miss Jane Eyre

Image Source / Public Domain

Is There A Poltergeist In My House Or Do I Just Have A Cat?

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It’s 3AM. I wake in the darkness. All the cabinet doors are open.

***

Halfway through “Dateline”, a ceramic shepherdess in a pink flowered bonnet flies off the mantle.

***

From the darkest corner of the closet, a purgatory for old purses and the remnants of last year’s casualwear, a nauseating smell suddenly emanates.

***

The car keys are placed on the side table. Then gone. Hours later, they are found underneath the couch.

***

I am walking down a dark hallway. An unseen object barrels against my shins. I experience a brief moment of levitation.

***

While dining on homemade tuna casserole, I pause at a faint sound of wailing. There is a sensation of tiny needles pricking my thigh.

***

I wake at night to the rasp of a wordless incantation, a hacking staccato, the dreaded sound of something being called up from the depths to burst into our mortal realm. I shudder at the realization I must clean it up tomorrow.

Image Source / CC

10 Popular Paint Colors for Haunted Houses

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Surely-there’s-a-perfectly-mundane-reason-for-the-cheap-rent rose

Footsteps-in-the-corridor carnelian

Our-neighbors-tell-the-most-charming-stories-about-this-place periwinkle

Was-that-the-wind wisteria

Whispers-in-the-abandoned-hallway heather

Indefinably-menacing-domestic-staff serge

Someone-should-go-check-out-that-noise-in-the-attic aubergine

Why-is-the-nursery-door-open ochre

Whose-hand-was-I-holding heliotrope

I-don’t-think-we’re-getting-the-deposit-back beige

Image Source / Sean MacEntee, CC