Peer Review Comments on Frankenstein’s Monster

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Reviewer 1: “Are the neck bolts strictly necessary? It seems that the study’s author could have substituted a lithium ion battery, or a solar panel, or perhaps a wall plug and an extension cable. Maybe even a rotation-powered generator with a large wheel and a particularly enthusiastic hamster would work. It’s a thought.

I’m also confused about the numerous scars and the decision to use visible stitching — it appears there was no plastic surgeon available to consult during assembly. Or perhaps the local drugstore was just out of gas-tank-sized jars of cocoa butter?

Furthermore, I’m not quite sure if the sample really needed to be gigantic to ensure proper construction. The author may want to review some of the recent advances in laparoscopic surgery.”

Reviewer 2: “This study is not innovative; it is a slight modification of an existing method. A pilot study for animation from dead matter has been detailed in the earlier publication ‘Genesis’ (see God, et. al.). The author touches on this work but is rather vague about citing it, though the theoretical parallels are striking.

Additionally, the author’s decision to withhold key elements of his methodology is, quite frankly, questionable. This makes reproducibility impossible and impugns the veracity and reliability of his results. It’s almost as if he didn’t want the study replicated.”

Reviewer 3: “Entirely unimpressive. This is not the monster I would have created.”

Image Source / Public Domain

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Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Hound of the Baskervilles

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This bloodhound/mastiff mix up for adoption has a lovely shorthair coat of raging hellfire — you’ll find there’s no need for a flashlight (or a heater!) for those early-winter-morning poop sessions. He loves to play fetch, especially with the souls of the damned, and he also likes long walks on the moor, followed by short bursts of intense cardio when he chases down your neighbors as the spirit of infernal vengeance. If you’ll be out during the day, toss him a nyla bone or a chunk of brimstone to gnaw on and he’ll just play hell with it. At night his resonant deep-throated howl will lull you to sleep, even as it has your neighbors praying for deliverance.

This big boy prefers to remain outdoors — unfortunately, he does not do well with kennels or other flammable housing. He is up-to-date on all shots within the last two or three millennia, and he makes an excellent playmate for children as long as they’re in hellfire-retardant clothing. However, as far as other pets go, he is best as an only dog; he is not good with cats or other demonic familiars.

So when Halloween comes around, let the neighbors keep squeezing their overfed Dachshunds into those twee little hot dog buns. If you’d rather have a satanic Snoopy, this is your guy!

Image Source / Public Domain

10 Popular Paint Colors for Haunted Houses

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Surely-there’s-a-perfectly-mundane-reason-for-the-cheap-rent rose

Footsteps-in-the-corridor carnelian

Our-neighbors-tell-the-most-charming-stories-about-this-place periwinkle

Was-that-the-wind wisteria

Whispers-in-the-abandoned-hallway heather

Indefinably-menacing-domestic-staff serge

Someone-should-go-check-out-that-noise-in-the-attic aubergine

Why-is-the-nursery-door-open ochre

Whose-hand-was-I-holding heliotrope

I-don’t-think-we’re-getting-the-deposit-back beige

Image Source / Sean MacEntee, CC

Mrs. Grose, the Housekeeper of Bly, Leaves an Awkward Voicemail at Ghostbusters Headquarters

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So I was wondering if you lot could come out here, as it seems there’s a couple of ghosts about the house. At least I think there is. Or maybe not. To be honest it’s all a bit vague, really. Maybe you and your proton packs could sort it out; I’m rather inclined to chuck the whole affair and grab the first train back to London.

I mean I haven’t seen anything, the kids haven’t seen anything, only the governess has seen them. But she says they’re everywhere: outside the windows, on top of the house, in the stairwells. Once even in her room.

Thank the Lord, at least the loo seems safe.

She sees them all the time, too. Won’t shut up about them. A regular fixation with her, it is. Kids are starting to get freaked out about her, too.

So, right. The ghosts. I suppose if they’re there, then we ought to get rid of them, but for the life of me I couldn’t say why. They don’t exactly do anything. There’s no moaning or shaking of chains and such. They don’t even speak.

I think they slammed a door once. But maybe that was the wind?

They do seem quite taken up with staring. According to her, they’re always goggling about at us like paparazzi at the BAFTAs. Right, so maybe they’re a little ill-bred, but I’m not certain that’s a crime, exactly. And it’s not like the rest of us can see them doing it anyway.

Maybe you could get them to wear a hat or something? The governess seems quite upset about that bit.

Look, all I’m saying is, bring your gizmos and whatnot, bring your ghost traps, but maybe bring an extra straightjacket, too. Some of us here might need it. Because there might be ghosts here. There might not. We might have to get rid of them but I’m not even sure why. Who the hell knows, really.

I’m putting in my two weeks’ notice tomorrow. Let me know how it all turns out. I’m done.

Image Source / Public Domain

Victor Frankenstein’s Medical School Rejection Letter

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Dear Mr. Frankenstein,

The Admissions Committee of Ingolstadt Medical University has completed its review of your application, and we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place in this year’s entering class. Our committee faced a difficult task in deciding among the many highly qualified applicants, and we realize that many competent applicants will be unable to gain admission this year. If, however, you wish to reapply at some future point, please consider the following parts of your application that might be strengthened.

While we concur with you that your earlier study of Paracelsus and Albertus Magnus has few modern applications, as their so-called “exploded systems” have been superseded by more advanced knowledge, we feel your conclusion falls a little short. The works of Drs. Krempe and Waldeman that you replaced them with may indeed contain “a great deal of sound sense and real information”, but these authors’ publications rather noticeably lack an impact factor, citations or even PMID. Moreover, we suspect that their research may also be out of date, as most of it seems to have been published on parchment.

We appreciate your utter conviction that you are uniquely fated for a career in science, although it seems a little odd that fate steered you first toward a defunct field of scientific study. Fate also appears to have directed you away from any courses remotely resembling bioethics. We feel that for one intended for a career in medicine or any other field involving contact with actual humans, this shows remarkably curious judgment on, uh, “fate’s” part.

Finally, your “independent study” project, as you call it, is rather lacking in detail regarding its purpose and methodology and also appears to require a great deal of grave-robbing, which (we assure you) is not going to pass IRB. While we admire your ambition and your all-consuming desire for these experiments to ultimately “bestow animation upon lifeless matter”, as you call it, it seems this could more easily be accomplished using techniques in modern genetics. Or, failing that, with a candlelit dinner, a willing partner, some form of ethanol and an evening of very poor decision-making.

Please do not consider this a reflection on your academic ability, but feel free to view it as one on your moral character and your overall mien. We wish you the greatest success in your career and in your further efforts to gain admission to medical school — somewhere else.

Sincerely,

The Admissions Committee

Ingolstadt Medical University

Image Source / Public Domain

Jane Eyre’s Letter of Resignation

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Thornfield Manor

Millcote

–shire

 

Dear Mr. Rochester,

Please accept this letter as notice of my resignation from the position of governess at Thornfield. It has been a pleasure working with you over the last several months, and I am grateful for the personal and professional development opportunities made available to me here, howsoever limited in scope. Unfortunately, I feel that the time has come for me to seek some other source of employment, ideally in a venue with more than three non-related coworkers.

If I should be granted the chance to provide feedback on my recent position, I would like to discuss the following in my exit interview:

Please consider resolving the numerous OSHA and HR violations encountered in the course of my duties. These include but are not limited to: housing a chronically ill and emotionally volatile relative on the premises without notifying the staff. Failing to install fire extinguishers in the appropriate areas. Mandating that your employees work off the clock in the evenings to accompany your rambling, incoherent conversations. Failing to respond to employee complaints of harassment from one Miss Ingram and her associates. And so on.

I would also like to address the issue of your numerous inappropriate advances. The dates and nature of these incidents, including a marriage proposal later retracted on account of fraud, have been meticulously recorded. As have the statements of several corroborating witnesses. Suffice to say: my barrister will be in touch, sir.

To ensure a smooth transition, I will be immediately transferring my remaining duties to Mrs. Fairfax and boarding the first available stagecoach leaving this godforsaken backwater. While my future career prospects may be uncertain, this opportunity for imminent departure is simply too exciting for me to decline.

I wish you every success in your future endeavors.

Best Regards,

Jane Eyre

 

P.S. Please consider ripping out the lightning-struck chestnut tree at the front gate. It’s a fire hazard.

P.P.S. Pilot needs to be fixed.

 

Image Source / Public Domain

Bug Problems? Call Renfield’s Pest Control!

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“[Renfield] disgusted me much while with him, for when a horrid blow-fly, bloated with some carrion food, buzzed into the room, he caught it, held it exultantly for a few moments between his finger and thumb, and, before I knew what he was going to do, put it in his mouth and ate it. I scolded him for it, but he argued quietly that it was very good and very wholesome; that it was life, strong life, and gave life to him.” — Bram Stoker, Dracula

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