Airbnb Listing for Wuthering Heights

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We have one room available for rent in our 300-year-old country house in Yorkshire, ideal for either a quick weekend getaway or a love-starved eternity of misery and regret. Room comes with a bed completely surrounded by oak panels, which also enclose a bay window with a stunning view of the surrounding moors and any unquiet spirits that walk thereon. There’s a bookshelf with a full library of children’s books, guaranteed to ensure a deep and restful slumber only slightly plagued with nightmares. And just outside, there’s a lovely fir branch within easy reach of the window should you find anything needs to get out (or in).

The house also includes a handful of staff members ready to assist you with whatever you need. You’ll find Nelly and Zillah in the kitchen, willing to cook up whatever you request into something almost edible. For any outdoor work, there’s Joseph (at least we think that’s what he said his name was), who can help you with the carriage, the horses and anything else not requiring intelligible commentary. Your charming hostess, Cathy, you’ll find sulking in a corner whenever she’s not ignoring you completely. And on rare occasions you may even encounter your host, Hareton; he still communicates solely in grunts but at this point has almost entirely stopped gnawing on the table.

The house is solidly constructed, so heavy snows or stormy weather should not be any cause for concern during your stay.  Rest assured, this quiet country retreat’s sturdy beams have been proven to withstand high winds, heavy blizzards, high-pitched screaming, hurled objects, fistfights, random gunshots…uuuuhhh, wait, what were we saying again?

Once outside, you can enjoy a long walk through our scenic moorland, which is perfect for riding, sightseeing or fomenting elaborate plots of disinheritance and revenge. Just as you please!

And if you’re interested in the surrounding area, it’s just a short stroll over to Gimmerton Kirk, a quaint country church offering a sterling example of rustic English architecture. Also a convenient resting place for your weary feet, and for any love-tormented apparitions in the vicinity.

Call for reservations.

Image Source / David M. Jones, CC

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Estate Sale for a Haunted House

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Join us this Friday and Saturday, 10am-5pm, for a magnificent sale of fine-quality, gently-haunted furnishings. All pieces original to the home. Contents available for purchase include:

  • Banded mahogany dining table with 8 chairs, fully levitating
  • Elegant curio cabinet with spring-loaded glass doors for easy release of possessed artifacts (also included)
  • Carved oak armoire newly refurbished with a one-way portal to the demon realm
  • Pair of gold frame mirrors, easy to clean with Windex and a little burnt sage
  • Cast-iron queen bed, in good condition and currently haunted by fewer than five murdered brides
  • Drop-leaf wooden center table with claw feet that will need only bimonthly trimming
  • Kingston piano (by The Rudolph Wurlitzer Company) with no need for tuning; plays only one song, whether or not anyone is present.

Sale ends promptly at sunset! Please be prepared to remove all your items before dark.

Image Source / CC0

Airbnb Listing for the Pit and the Pendulum

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We have a spacious one-room apartment available; it comes with a single bed and is located in a historic building shared with a quaint little monastic organization. This room is a basement room with an open floor plan, making it fully adaptable to your needs, and it’s also completely soundproof — while you’re here, go ahead and make some noise. In fact, scream all you want! No one will hear you. 🙂

This room is naturally cool in summer and comes tastefully accented with granite floors, granite walls and a granite ceiling. Even the doors would be granite, if there were any. If it’s cold outside, you’ll find the floors, walls and ceiling can all be heated, so you’re entirely surrounded with a toasty warmth you just can’t escape. Moreover, the living space is fully adjustable: walls can be moved as needed. We’d be more than happy to demonstrate this for you if you like.

The room also features a cavernous lower-level space, where you can stash your luggage during your stay. Feel free to explore this space as much as you want! This deep, perpendicular, hole-shaped storage area is fully accessible from anywhere in the room — just walk (very carefully) right across the floor.

Finally, the room also features a vaulted ceiling and one rather distinctive architectural centerpiece. It’s kind of like a huge chandelier or a mobile, but better. You’ll just have to see it.

Whether you’re planning on a week-long vacation or an overnight stay, we’d sure love to have you! Please be our guest for as long as you can.

If interested, call and ask for Torquemada.

**Room may have a small rodent problem. Ask for details.

Image Source / Public Domain

10 Popular Paint Colors for Haunted Houses

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Surely-there’s-a-perfectly-mundane-reason-for-the-cheap-rent rose

Footsteps-in-the-corridor carnelian

Our-neighbors-tell-the-most-charming-stories-about-this-place periwinkle

Was-that-the-wind wisteria

Whispers-in-the-abandoned-hallway heather

Indefinably-menacing-domestic-staff serge

Someone-should-go-check-out-that-noise-in-the-attic aubergine

Why-is-the-nursery-door-open ochre

Whose-hand-was-I-holding heliotrope

I-don’t-think-we’re-getting-the-deposit-back beige

Image Source / Sean MacEntee, CC

Craigslist Posts for Haunted Houses: “The Romance of Certain Old Clothes”

Image Source / Public Domain

Image Source / Public Domain

craigslist > boston > all boston > housing > rooms & shares

We’re looking for some housemates for our 18th-century home in Boston; ideal candidates will enjoy cooking and needlework and will also keep my sister out of all my personal crap. Right now there’s just myself, my ex-husband, his new wife/my sister, my baby girl, and her nursemaid — one happy and completely well-adjusted little family! We’re looking for quiet, hardworking, virtuous people who might enjoy staying with us and will swear on a Bible to keep Rosalind’s grasping paws out of my stuff.

Our house offers a cozy fireplace on every floor, a dining room with French doors and a roomy attic. The attic, in particular, has plenty of available storage space for when your hellspawn sibling can’t keep her hands off your things. Like when she goes through your jewelry, or your old clothes, or your husband for example. Charming, right? There’s a lovely seaside view from the portal window and lots of extra room for storing a few treasures away from her greedy mitts.

Each of our guest bedrooms has a classic four-poster bed and comes with a wooden chest as a repository. The chests are hand-carved from solid oak and are ideal for keeping, say, a wedding veil or a set of heirloom pearls. Which is perfect if you happen to live with a treacherous Jezebel who was always jealous of your superior taste and will stop at nothing to get her hands on them.

Our house is centrally located near several transit routes, with convenient access to downtown Boston. There’s even an adjacent nature park, where you can stroll among the trees and gaze at the sunset while some thieving wench goes horseback riding with other people’s spouses. It’s like living a dream!

Interested parties are welcome to visit; please bring references, a set of padlocks and a notarized statement of marital fidelity, both pre- and post-mortem. Ask for Perdita.

Craigslist Posts for Haunted Houses: Furnivall Manor

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craigslist > uk > northumberland > housing > rooms and shares

Looking for an awesome roommate for our isolated windswept manor house

We have one bedroom and an attached nursery available for rent in our historic country manor. There’s also a drawing room in the west wing you can use at no additional charge, and we’ll share the kitchens, the gallery and a great hall as common areas. You’ll be amazed at this place — there’s just so much space you can run around in!

But not in the east wing. Never in the east wing. That’s private.

The landlord lives on the property but is rarely around, so mostly it’ll just be my sister and me and my little girl, plus the staff. This house is over a hundred years old and comes with all its original heating and A/C (LOL!) — there’s a fireplace in every room if you’re cold, and if it’s warm you can open a window.

In fact, feel free to open the windows. Anytime. Even, say, in winter. We don’t mind. 😀

There’s also a pipe organ in the great hall, which you might hear from time to time. We’re reeeaaally into music here. We used to know this guy who was in a band once. Good. Times.

Sometimes we like to just hang out around the house, but you probably won’t see much of us. My little girl and I can also be very outdoorsy at times, especially in winter when the moon is out and the frost is on the ground. Do you like long walks in the snow at the dead of night? Great, we’ll come find you!

So if you’re interested, send us your name and contact info and tell us a little bit about yourself.

Especially tell us if you have any kids. Kids are the best! Can’t get enough of them.

Length of lease: Stay as long as you can.

If interested, call and ask for Maude.

Can I interest you in this charming little property called the House of Usher?

“He was enchained by certain superstitious impressions in regard to the dwelling which he tenanted, and whence, for many years, he had never ventured forth….an influence which some peculiarities in the mere form and substance of his family mansion had, by dint of long sufferance, he said, obtained over his spirit—an effect which the physique of the gray walls and turrets, and of the dim tarn into which they all looked down, had, at length, brought about upon the morale of his existence.” — Edgar Allan Poe, The Fall of the House of Usher

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Image Source / CC0 Public Domain

Let’s just take a quick jaunt up this paved causeway, where at the end you’ll see a sprawling country manor that seems to open its arms wide in greeting. Almost as if it wants to wrap them around you. Cozy, right? Shall we get a little closer?

Take in those fantastic casement windows — all original, I might add. And on either side of the doorway, over the windows, that pair of spectacular Gothic arches. Exquisite stonework there. What’s that? No, I don’t think they’re judging you.

The current owner is the last of several generations of his family to live here. I think you’ll find this house is, in fact, an excellent place for ending an ancestral line. Were you thinking of having kids someday? Not anymore.

Note the fine web of fungi encasing the outer stonework. Rather like hair, you know, especially over there where it frames the casement windows. Incidentally, the owner also has a fine web of fungi instead of hair, and a flying buttress protruding from his left eyebrow. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it. It doesn’t itch or anything. You’ll see.

Step inside and let’s take a look at this elegant music room. Please note, however, that this is intended only for string instruments. The owner tried to bring in an accordion, once. Next morning he found the bag impaled by a detached cornice and the keys splayed out like teeth after a bar fight. So, just strings then. Just a suggestion.

I think you’re really going to admire the spacious library and its stunning hand-carved marble fireplace. It’s perfect for a winter evening spent curled up by the fire with the latest Stephen King. Or perhaps some Shirley Jackson. I think those are accepted. Moving on!

In the basement you’ll find a vault that could be converted to underground parking. Or you could just use it for storage. It’s lined with copper just in case you need to store, you know, volatile compounds. Or hey, something organic. Good for that, too.

This property comes with all its original architecture, furnishings and landscaping. Incidentally, there’s no need to water the landscape at present — it may appear dead, but if you look closely you’ll see the plants are actually thriving. The last gardener gave them the wrong mulch, but they seem to have recovered. Also, he hasn’t been seen for some time. Ignore the camellias tenderly gripping that little rise behind the hedge there.

You’ll also notice this house is quite solidly built. That hairline fracture in the outer wall can just be spackled over, no worries. Also there’s the matter of the tarn (but that’s definitely potable water in there, I assure you. Know any good pool cleaners?).

Other than that, though, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Just look at that antique statuary!

Of course you should know the owner is looking for a quick sale, but if you’d like some time to think it over there’s no rush. I’m sure the house will still be here. Waiting.

So shall I follow up with you on Monday, then?

Zillow listing for the Castle of Otranto

Source Text: The Castle of Otranto

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Image Source / Creative Commons

Realize your dreams of hereditary usurpment at a sprawling 46-acre wooded estate! A rustic 13th-century front gate opens into a courtyard with enough space for three knights plus 350 attendants and their horses, or one Escalade. Courtyard highlights include a whimsically oversize helmet that doubles as a play structure (with optional child-safety features, never used). Inside, the elegant foyer leads to a luxurious banquet hall, perfect for enjoying family dinners or consenting to single combat. First-floor corridors are lined with animated portraits guaranteed to delight the kids on those late-night bathroom trips. Bedrooms feature casement windows that open out to the courtyard and offer excellent acoustics for some late-night pillow talk. In the back, a stately gallery offers extensive floorspace stretching over an area of several meters or just one foot (if it’s a big one).

A spring-loaded trap door on the ground floor pops up to reveal the basement, ideal for hiding from megalomaniacal in-laws. Also makes an excellent wine cellar! Subterranean vault links to a nearby monastery, where a few minutes’ walk brings you to a rustic church with a charming statue centerpiece. Statue comes with fully functional sanguinary fountain spray, perfect for summer parties.

Property comes fully equipped with central heating/AC and assorted phantasmagoria.