Airbnb Listing for the Pit and the Pendulum

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We have a spacious one-room apartment available; it comes with a single bed and is located in a historic building shared with a quaint little monastic organization. This room is a basement room with an open floor plan, making it fully adaptable to your needs, and it’s also completely soundproof — while you’re here, go ahead and make some noise. In fact, scream all you want! No one will hear you. 🙂

This room is naturally cool in summer and comes tastefully accented with granite floors, granite walls and a granite ceiling. Even the doors would be granite, if there were any. If it’s cold outside, you’ll find the floors, walls and ceiling can all be heated, so you’re entirely surrounded with a toasty warmth you just can’t escape. Moreover, the living space is fully adjustable: walls can be moved as needed. We’d be more than happy to demonstrate this for you if you like.

The room also features a cavernous lower-level space, where you can stash your luggage during your stay. Feel free to explore this space as much as you want! This deep, perpendicular, hole-shaped storage area is fully accessible from anywhere in the room — just walk (very carefully) right across the floor.

Finally, the room also features a vaulted ceiling and one rather distinctive architectural centerpiece. It’s kind of like a huge chandelier or a mobile, but better. You’ll just have to see it.

Whether you’re planning on a week-long vacation or an overnight stay, we’d sure love to have you! Please be our guest for as long as you can.

If interested, call and ask for Torquemada.

**Room may have a small rodent problem. Ask for details.

Image Source / Public Domain

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10 Popular Paint Colors for Haunted Houses

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Surely-there’s-a-perfectly-mundane-reason-for-the-cheap-rent rose

Footsteps-in-the-corridor carnelian

Our-neighbors-tell-the-most-charming-stories-about-this-place periwinkle

Was-that-the-wind wisteria

Whispers-in-the-abandoned-hallway heather

Indefinably-menacing-domestic-staff serge

Someone-should-go-check-out-that-noise-in-the-attic aubergine

Why-is-the-nursery-door-open ochre

Whose-hand-was-I-holding heliotrope

I-don’t-think-we’re-getting-the-deposit-back beige

Image Source / Sean MacEntee, CC

One-Star Etsy Reviews for the Yellow Wallpaper

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“The wallpaper color doesn’t match the photo, and it also stains everything it touches. It’s ruined my blazer, my yoga pants and my entire sense of personal autonomy.”

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“Everyone keeps telling me it’s great, but it looks cheap and I hate it. Turns out it’s really hard to remove, though!”

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“Easy to install — some guys even insisted on putting it up for me. But as soon as it was up I wanted it gone. I tried to tear it off in massive strips but then gave up and started donating to NOW.”

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“I tried to follow the pattern with my eyes and found myself awake at 3am posting Facebook rants about the second shift. Would not recommend.”

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“WTF is this ‘No Returns’ policy??”

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“I finally got myself what every woman wants — a room of one’s own. But then my husband covered it in this heinous wallpaper!”

Image Source / Public Domain

Craigslist Posts for Haunted Houses: “The Romance of Certain Old Clothes”

Image Source / Public Domain

Image Source / Public Domain

craigslist > boston > all boston > housing > rooms & shares

We’re looking for some housemates for our 18th-century home in Boston; ideal candidates will enjoy cooking and needlework and will also keep my sister out of all my personal crap. Right now there’s just myself, my ex-husband, his new wife/my sister, my baby girl, and her nursemaid — one happy and completely well-adjusted little family! We’re looking for quiet, hardworking, virtuous people who might enjoy staying with us and will swear on a Bible to keep Rosalind’s grasping paws out of my stuff.

Our house offers a cozy fireplace on every floor, a dining room with French doors and a roomy attic. The attic, in particular, has plenty of available storage space for when your hellspawn sibling can’t keep her hands off your things. Like when she goes through your jewelry, or your old clothes, or your husband for example. Charming, right? There’s a lovely seaside view from the portal window and lots of extra room for storing a few treasures away from her greedy mitts.

Each of our guest bedrooms has a classic four-poster bed and comes with a wooden chest as a repository. The chests are hand-carved from solid oak and are ideal for keeping, say, a wedding veil or a set of heirloom pearls. Which is perfect if you happen to live with a treacherous Jezebel who was always jealous of your superior taste and will stop at nothing to get her hands on them.

Our house is centrally located near several transit routes, with convenient access to downtown Boston. There’s even an adjacent nature park, where you can stroll among the trees and gaze at the sunset while some thieving wench goes horseback riding with other people’s spouses. It’s like living a dream!

Interested parties are welcome to visit; please bring references, a set of padlocks and a notarized statement of marital fidelity, both pre- and post-mortem. Ask for Perdita.

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Rats From The Pit

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Image Source / Public Domain

We have a group of rats available for adoption, all rescued from a living environment best described as “a dungeon, but not the fun kind.” They’re currently being fostered by a volunteer while we look for their forever homes. These rats may seem like a quiet bunch, but they provide hours of entertainment. You’ll definitely want to keep your eye on them!

We’ve found that like most rats, these guys really love to chew. We used to wire the cage door shut at night, but they were all gnawing through that in seconds. At the volunteer’s home, they’ve managed to escape on several occasions and chew through the straps on her bras, the elastic on her shapewear and the links on her padded handcuffs.

In fact, it’s almost like these boys have learned to break through any kind of restraint. They’ve picked the lock on the volunteer’s bedroom door. They’ve released the parking brake on her Camaro. They’ve published her ATM code and password list on the internet. These clever little guys will just amaze you!

Adoption fee: $30 each. We’ve also got cages, bedding, and toys for sale if you need them. Pick up a cage and we’ll even throw in a computerized titanium door lock with multi-factor authentication. You know, just in case you need it.

Craigslist Posts for Haunted Houses: Furnivall Manor

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Image Source / CC

craigslist > uk > northumberland > housing > rooms and shares

Looking for an awesome roommate for our isolated windswept manor house

We have one bedroom and an attached nursery available for rent in our historic country manor. There’s also a drawing room in the west wing you can use at no additional charge, and we’ll share the kitchens, the gallery and a great hall as common areas. You’ll be amazed at this place — there’s just so much space you can run around in!

But not in the east wing. Never in the east wing. That’s private.

The landlord lives on the property but is rarely around, so mostly it’ll just be my sister and me and my little girl, plus the staff. This house is over a hundred years old and comes with all its original heating and A/C (LOL!) — there’s a fireplace in every room if you’re cold, and if it’s warm you can open a window.

In fact, feel free to open the windows. Anytime. Even, say, in winter. We don’t mind. 😀

There’s also a pipe organ in the great hall, which you might hear from time to time. We’re reeeaaally into music here. We used to know this guy who was in a band once. Good. Times.

Sometimes we like to just hang out around the house, but you probably won’t see much of us. My little girl and I can also be very outdoorsy at times, especially in winter when the moon is out and the frost is on the ground. Do you like long walks in the snow at the dead of night? Great, we’ll come find you!

So if you’re interested, send us your name and contact info and tell us a little bit about yourself.

Especially tell us if you have any kids. Kids are the best! Can’t get enough of them.

Length of lease: Stay as long as you can.

If interested, call and ask for Maude.

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Horseman’s Steed

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Image Source / Peter Gandia, 2015 CC

This imposing stallion stands 16 hands and is of indeterminate age, though we estimate at least 6 or 7 millennia. His sire was Beelzebub and his dam was a Friesian. Has been trained to the saddle and is good for lunge line, dressage and storming the roads at midnight like the winds of Hell on Earth. Would make an excellent companion for children and other demonic minions.

He stands well for tether, unless on consecrated ground. Under saddle he requires only a light touch and is very responsive, even if you don’t quite have your head about you. Also would make a wonderful pasture horse for other breeds of unholy lineage.

He is Coggins negative, for both equine and gytrash strains, and is up to date on all vaccinations. Has been thoroughly cleared for adoption by vet, farrier and exorcist. If interested, please call to make an appointment.

Can I interest you in this charming little property called the House of Usher?

“He was enchained by certain superstitious impressions in regard to the dwelling which he tenanted, and whence, for many years, he had never ventured forth….an influence which some peculiarities in the mere form and substance of his family mansion had, by dint of long sufferance, he said, obtained over his spirit—an effect which the physique of the gray walls and turrets, and of the dim tarn into which they all looked down, had, at length, brought about upon the morale of his existence.” — Edgar Allan Poe, The Fall of the House of Usher

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Image Source / CC0 Public Domain

Let’s just take a quick jaunt up this paved causeway, where at the end you’ll see a sprawling country manor that seems to open its arms wide in greeting. Almost as if it wants to wrap them around you. Cozy, right? Shall we get a little closer?

Take in those fantastic casement windows — all original, I might add. And on either side of the doorway, over the windows, that pair of spectacular Gothic arches. Exquisite stonework there. What’s that? No, I don’t think they’re judging you.

The current owner is the last of several generations of his family to live here. I think you’ll find this house is, in fact, an excellent place for ending an ancestral line. Were you thinking of having kids someday? Not anymore.

Note the fine web of fungi encasing the outer stonework. Rather like hair, you know, especially over there where it frames the casement windows. Incidentally, the owner also has a fine web of fungi instead of hair, and a flying buttress protruding from his left eyebrow. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it. It doesn’t itch or anything. You’ll see.

Step inside and let’s take a look at this elegant music room. Please note, however, that this is intended only for string instruments. The owner tried to bring in an accordion, once. Next morning he found the bag impaled by a detached cornice and the keys splayed out like teeth after a bar fight. So, just strings then. Just a suggestion.

I think you’re really going to admire the spacious library and its stunning hand-carved marble fireplace. It’s perfect for a winter evening spent curled up by the fire with the latest Stephen King. Or perhaps some Shirley Jackson. I think those are accepted. Moving on!

In the basement you’ll find a vault that could be converted to underground parking. Or you could just use it for storage. It’s lined with copper just in case you need to store, you know, volatile compounds. Or hey, something organic. Good for that, too.

This property comes with all its original architecture, furnishings and landscaping. Incidentally, there’s no need to water the landscape at present — it may appear dead, but if you look closely you’ll see the plants are actually thriving. The last gardener gave them the wrong mulch, but they seem to have recovered. Also, he hasn’t been seen for some time. Ignore the camellias tenderly gripping that little rise behind the hedge there.

You’ll also notice this house is quite solidly built. That hairline fracture in the outer wall can just be spackled over, no worries. Also there’s the matter of the tarn (but that’s definitely potable water in there, I assure you. Know any good pool cleaners?).

Other than that, though, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Just look at that antique statuary!

Of course you should know the owner is looking for a quick sale, but if you’d like some time to think it over there’s no rush. I’m sure the house will still be here. Waiting.

So shall I follow up with you on Monday, then?

One-Star Travel Reviews of Yesteryear: Sleepy Hollow, New York, 1819

Source Text: The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

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“The Headless Horseman Pursuing Ichabod Crane,” by John Quidor

Image Source / Public Domain

“In the six months that have passed since publication of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, the dominant effect on the locale must be, I presume, an outbreak of tinnitus. What was once a quiet pastoral village now echoes with the sounds of holidaymakers, tradesmen, and any number of waggish local rantipoles. The knoll near the church is thronged with excursionists making oil paintings of the bridge, while their companions pose as if to race the Horseman across. These are invariably surrounded by a coterie of peddlers hawking their wares; the demand for pumpkin-print cravats and ‘Team Ichabod’ nightshifts must be insatiable. The noise from the crowds alone is enough to wake the dead, if any could still be found abed in these parts.

Nightfall brings no respite. It seems that rumors of the Horseman’s celebrity have reached even the farthest corners of the netherworld, and every two-bit specter and upstart haunt in the county has come for his share. The eventide roadway is mobbed with wraiths jostling and elbowing each other, screeching at passersby, with no concern for any drowsy mortals in the vicinity. Whilst leaning red-eyed out my window last evening, I was buttonholed by a banshee seeking a writeup. The Horseman himself rarely appears anymore, and from the unearthly racket I can’t exactly blame him. It’s not called ‘Stay Awake All Night And Listen To Spectral Traffic’ Hollow, is it? If I’d wanted to be kept up, I’d have stayed in Five Points.”

“I regret to note the local tavern, Balthus’ Bistro, is not quite the ‘five-star’ establishment it claims to be. We arrived early one afternoon for dinner yet were kept waiting for seats for nearly an hour. Then, my olykoeks came with a side of dysentery. We left no tip.

Upon departing, I found further cause for concern. The band of local youths that Mr. Irving christened ‘the Sleepy Hollow Boys’ have made industrious use of the last six months to expand their enterprise. Of late they have branched out into racketeering, the selling of unlicensed pharmaceuticals, and the proprietorship of a gambling den in the back of a local tavern. Calls for a magistrate go generally unheeded; complainants are left to search for one not already in the Boys’ (well-lined) pockets.”

“I was promised I would see the Galloping Hessian, but we saw only these old Dutch ghosts and some Major André fellow. More like Minor André. Then I figured Wiley’s Swamp might be a good place to sneak a pipe, but it’s been roped off by the Sleepy Hollow Regional Medical Society on account of the miasma. An utter waste.”

“Unable to leave the churchyard without being chased down for an autograph. Head gone missing again, probably carted off by some tipsy enthusiast. Goblin steed has developed a preference for carrots and sugar from devoted admirers, at present would lose a race across the bridge to a box turtle. Was zur Hölle? Not sure what the purpose is in staying around here anymore. May require a change of pace.

Have heard good things about Salem.”

Awwwfully Gothic Shelter Pets: The Black Cat

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Image Source / Public Domain

Meet Winky! He’s a big boy with a friendly heart who’ll trot around after you everywhere, like judgment. We love how he’s always winking at you — almost like you two share a secret! Winky’s a handsome black kitty with a single white chest patch that vaguely resembles a tuxedo. Or maybe a noose. Well, at least you’ll know he’s always dressed appropriately!

Winky tends to get really attached to people, like public censure. You may find him sitting under your chair, jumping into your lap or running between your legs while you’re walking. Try as you might, you just can’t get away from him! At night you may find him sleeping on your chest like the weight of your subconscious. Or you may wake suddenly in the darkness, to face the incarnate nightmare that you have no power to shake off — oops, that’s his butt! He’s got so many ways of getting your attention.

Winky’s also quite vocal, especially around dinnertime or in front of the cops. It’s almost like you can hear him saying “Hey guys, where’s my food?” or “The body’s over here!” Such a character!

Winky intends to be a persistent, unshakable, lifelong companion. However, he also likes his down time for rest and reflection. For this reason, Winky needs to be adopted into a quiet home with one resident and a guilty conscience.