Peer Review Comments on Frankenstein’s Monster

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Reviewer 1: “Are the neck bolts strictly necessary? It seems that the study’s author could have substituted a lithium ion battery, or a solar panel, or perhaps a wall plug and an extension cable. Maybe even a rotation-powered generator with a large wheel and a particularly enthusiastic hamster would work. It’s a thought.

I’m also confused about the numerous scars and the decision to use visible stitching — it appears there was no plastic surgeon available to consult during assembly. Or perhaps the local drugstore was just out of gas-tank-sized jars of cocoa butter?

Furthermore, I’m not quite sure if the sample really needed to be gigantic to ensure proper construction. The author may want to review some of the recent advances in laparoscopic surgery.”

Reviewer 2: “This study is not innovative; it is a slight modification of an existing method. A pilot study for animation from dead matter has been detailed in the earlier publication ‘Genesis’ (see God, et. al.). The author touches on this work but is rather vague about citing it, though the theoretical parallels are striking.

Additionally, the author’s decision to withhold key elements of his methodology is, quite frankly, questionable. This makes reproducibility impossible and impugns the veracity and reliability of his results. It’s almost as if he didn’t want the study replicated.”

Reviewer 3: “Entirely unimpressive. This is not the monster I would have created.”

Image Source / Public Domain

10 Popular Paint Colors for Haunted Houses

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Surely-there’s-a-perfectly-mundane-reason-for-the-cheap-rent rose

Footsteps-in-the-corridor carnelian

Our-neighbors-tell-the-most-charming-stories-about-this-place periwinkle

Was-that-the-wind wisteria

Whispers-in-the-abandoned-hallway heather

Indefinably-menacing-domestic-staff serge

Someone-should-go-check-out-that-noise-in-the-attic aubergine

Why-is-the-nursery-door-open ochre

Whose-hand-was-I-holding heliotrope

I-don’t-think-we’re-getting-the-deposit-back beige

Image Source / Sean MacEntee, CC

One-Star Etsy Reviews for the Yellow Wallpaper

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“The wallpaper color doesn’t match the photo, and it also stains everything it touches. It’s ruined my blazer, my yoga pants and my entire sense of personal autonomy.”

***

“Everyone keeps telling me it’s great, but it looks cheap and I hate it. Turns out it’s really hard to remove, though!”

***

“Easy to install — some guys even insisted on putting it up for me. But as soon as it was up I wanted it gone. I tried to tear it off in massive strips but then gave up and started donating to NOW.”

***

“I tried to follow the pattern with my eyes and found myself awake at 3am posting Facebook rants about the second shift. Would not recommend.”

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“WTF is this ‘No Returns’ policy??”

***

“I finally got myself what every woman wants — a room of one’s own. But then my husband covered it in this heinous wallpaper!”

Image Source / Public Domain

Victor Frankenstein’s Medical School Rejection Letter

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Dear Mr. Frankenstein,

The Admissions Committee of Ingolstadt Medical University has completed its review of your application, and we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place in this year’s entering class. Our committee faced a difficult task in deciding among the many highly qualified applicants, and we realize that many competent applicants will be unable to gain admission this year. If, however, you wish to reapply at some future point, please consider the following parts of your application that might be strengthened.

While we concur with you that your earlier study of Paracelsus and Albertus Magnus has few modern applications, as their so-called “exploded systems” have been superseded by more advanced knowledge, we feel your conclusion falls a little short. The works of Drs. Krempe and Waldeman that you replaced them with may indeed contain “a great deal of sound sense and real information”, but these authors’ publications rather noticeably lack an impact factor, citations or even PMID. Moreover, we suspect that their research may also be out of date, as most of it seems to have been published on parchment.

We appreciate your utter conviction that you are uniquely fated for a career in science, although it seems a little odd that fate steered you first toward a defunct field of scientific study. Fate also appears to have directed you away from any courses remotely resembling bioethics. We feel that for one intended for a career in medicine or any other field involving contact with actual humans, this shows remarkably curious judgment on, uh, “fate’s” part.

Finally, your “independent study” project, as you call it, is rather lacking in detail regarding its purpose and methodology and also appears to require a great deal of grave-robbing, which (we assure you) is not going to pass IRB. While we admire your ambition and your all-consuming desire for these experiments to ultimately “bestow animation upon lifeless matter”, as you call it, it seems this could more easily be accomplished using techniques in modern genetics. Or, failing that, with a candlelit dinner, a willing partner, some form of ethanol and an evening of very poor decision-making.

Please do not consider this a reflection on your academic ability, but feel free to view it as one on your moral character and your overall mien. We wish you the greatest success in your career and in your further efforts to gain admission to medical school — somewhere else.

Sincerely,

The Admissions Committee

Ingolstadt Medical University

Image Source / Public Domain

Jane Eyre’s Letter of Resignation

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Thornfield Manor

Millcote

–shire

 

Dear Mr. Rochester,

Please accept this letter as notice of my resignation from the position of governess at Thornfield. It has been a pleasure working with you over the last several months, and I am grateful for the personal and professional development opportunities made available to me here, howsoever limited in scope. Unfortunately, I feel that the time has come for me to seek some other source of employment, ideally in a venue with more than three non-related coworkers.

If I should be granted the chance to provide feedback on my recent position, I would like to discuss the following in my exit interview:

Please consider resolving the numerous OSHA and HR violations encountered in the course of my duties. These include but are not limited to: housing a chronically ill and emotionally volatile relative on the premises without notifying the staff. Failing to install fire extinguishers in the appropriate areas. Mandating that your employees work off the clock in the evenings to accompany your rambling, incoherent conversations. Failing to respond to employee complaints of harassment from one Miss Ingram and her associates. And so on.

I would also like to address the issue of your numerous inappropriate advances. The dates and nature of these incidents, including a marriage proposal later retracted on account of fraud, have been meticulously recorded. As have the statements of several corroborating witnesses. Suffice to say: my barrister will be in touch, sir.

To ensure a smooth transition, I will be immediately transferring my remaining duties to Mrs. Fairfax and boarding the first available stagecoach leaving this godforsaken backwater. While my future career prospects may be uncertain, this opportunity for imminent departure is simply too exciting for me to decline.

I wish you every success in your future endeavors.

Best Regards,

Jane Eyre

 

P.S. Please consider ripping out the lightning-struck chestnut tree at the front gate. It’s a fire hazard.

P.P.S. Pilot needs to be fixed.

 

Image Source / Public Domain

Craigslist Posts for Haunted Houses: Furnivall Manor

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Image Source / CC

craigslist > uk > northumberland > housing > rooms and shares

Looking for an awesome roommate for our isolated windswept manor house

We have one bedroom and an attached nursery available for rent in our historic country manor. There’s also a drawing room in the west wing you can use at no additional charge, and we’ll share the kitchens, the gallery and a great hall as common areas. You’ll be amazed at this place — there’s just so much space you can run around in!

But not in the east wing. Never in the east wing. That’s private.

The landlord lives on the property but is rarely around, so mostly it’ll just be my sister and me and my little girl, plus the staff. This house is over a hundred years old and comes with all its original heating and A/C (LOL!) — there’s a fireplace in every room if you’re cold, and if it’s warm you can open a window.

In fact, feel free to open the windows. Anytime. Even, say, in winter. We don’t mind. 😀

There’s also a pipe organ in the great hall, which you might hear from time to time. We’re reeeaaally into music here. We used to know this guy who was in a band once. Good. Times.

Sometimes we like to just hang out around the house, but you probably won’t see much of us. My little girl and I can also be very outdoorsy at times, especially in winter when the moon is out and the frost is on the ground. Do you like long walks in the snow at the dead of night? Great, we’ll come find you!

So if you’re interested, send us your name and contact info and tell us a little bit about yourself.

Especially tell us if you have any kids. Kids are the best! Can’t get enough of them.

Length of lease: Stay as long as you can.

If interested, call and ask for Maude.

Lois the Mean Girl

Source Text: Lois the Witch

With apologies to Tina Fey, et. al.

Engraving of the Salem Witch Trials

Image Source / Public Domain

Lois was brought before Mr. Hathorn, justice of Salem, to be publicly accused, in a dress that was probably from Sears. At the sight of her Prudence snickered, then covered it with weeping and stretched forth a finger in blame. Justice Hathorn bade Prudence keep her peace, though she wailed that she had been sorely persecuted. Then he commenced.

“Lois Barclay, you are hereby accused of witchcraft for having committed the following crimes: for having worn pink on Wednesdays, for having said that Pastor Nolan’s hair looked sexy when it was pushed back, for having opened an unholy book and therein written that Prudence Hickson was…was a…”

“Fugly slut!” Prudence burst forth. She lapsed again into tears as the crowd glared at Lois and muttered.

“I am innocent, my good sir,” Lois said quietly. “I protest, these are not such crimes as they may seem.”

The abhorrent multitude clamored. “Boo, you whore!”

A voice cried out suddenly from the courtroom. “Why cannot we all get along? I would that I could bake everyone a cake made of rainbows and smiles. Forsooth everyone would then be happy.” It was Widow Smith.

The crowd ignored her, for she was from Boston and did not even go here.

Then the judge called forth as witness Lois’ aunt, Grace Hickson, with whom Lois had lived these past several months. She was Lois’ only remaining relative.

“Lord knows I did my best, out of memory for her own dear parents. But she is a most unnatural child and a stain upon our family forever,” spoke Grace. “Though I must own I am partly at fault. For though I was like a mother to her, I was not as other moms were. I was a cool mom. Because if she were going to do such witchcraft, I would rather she do it in the house.”

The crowd murmured again. In the close and stifling room, they began to stir.

Suddenly the courtroom was rent by a piercing cry. Prudence began to shriek and roll around on the floor. She cried out to Lois, and pleaded with her to cease her torment.

The masses started to declaim. Judge Hathorn called for silence.

“Is there no end to your demonic abilities?” he roared at Lois. “Have your powers no earthly bounds?”

Lois sighed, and said stoutly, “The limit does not exist.”

“Lois Barclay,” the judge intoned, “I find you guilty of the crimes you are charged with. I sentence you to be– what’s the word? Grounded. For two weeks you shall be confined to your home, and you shall not venture forth during that time.”

The multitude howled in approval, and cried out against her evil ways. Lois hung her head, overcome, and was borne out of the courtroom.

Prudence recovered her senses and fled outside, whereupon she was hit by a stagecoach.

As the mob clamored and raged, Judge Hathorn stared out over the court and shook his head. “I would that I had never left the South Side of Massachusetts for this.”