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We’re looking for some housemates for our 18th-century home in Boston; ideal candidates will enjoy cooking and needlework and will also keep my sister out of all my personal crap. Right now there’s just myself, my ex-husband, his new wife/my sister, my baby girl, and her nursemaid — one happy and completely well-adjusted little family! We’re looking for quiet, hardworking, virtuous people who might enjoy staying with us and will swear on a Bible to keep Rosalind’s grasping paws out of my stuff.
Our house offers a cozy fireplace on every floor, a dining room with French doors and a roomy attic. The attic, in particular, has plenty of available storage space for when your hellspawn sibling can’t keep her hands off your things. Like when she goes through your jewelry, or your old clothes, or your husband for example. Charming, right? There’s a lovely seaside view from the portal window and lots of extra room for storing a few treasures away from her greedy mitts.
Each of our guest bedrooms has a classic four-poster bed and comes with a wooden chest as a repository. The chests are hand-carved from solid oak and are ideal for keeping, say, a wedding veil or a set of heirloom pearls. Which is perfect if you happen to live with a treacherous Jezebel who was always jealous of your superior taste and will stop at nothing to get her hands on them.
Our house is centrally located near several transit routes, with convenient access to downtown Boston. There’s even an adjacent nature park, where you can stroll among the trees and gaze at the sunset while some thieving wench goes horseback riding with other people’s spouses. It’s like living a dream!
Interested parties are welcome to visit; please bring references, a set of padlocks and a notarized statement of marital fidelity, both pre- and post-mortem. Ask for Perdita.